I know a lot of patients (and professionals) who refer to their eating disorder as “Ed” (E.D.).  I’ve always been a little wary of this… it feels weird to name a disorder that I’m struggling with.  It makes me feel like I have schizophrenia or DID or something.  However, in some ways it helps to thing of the eating disorder as a separate voice.  It helps me to separate what I want from what the eating disorder wants.
My dietitian once told me “don’t bring Ed to dinner – leave him …

(in no particular order)

You measure the cost of things in nutrition appointments (ex: That shirt is one nutrition appointment. These shoes are worth two appointments).
You start dressing like your professionals (or maybe, they starts dressing like you…)
“Treatment” is a recurring event with no end date on your calendar.
You’ve never needed to purchase “Eating in the Light of the Moon” because at some point you have been given a photocopy of every chapter.
In group, no one sits in your seat, even when you’re not there (because you’ve been sitting there …

Food rituals are pretty common among individuals with eating disorders… cutting things into tiny pieces, chewing a certain number of time, mixing weird things, eating everything separate, picking food apart, etc.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been terribly successful in eliminating my own food rituals.  As I was miserably failing my goal to “eat a bagel normally” this morning, I was thinking about what it was that seemed so necessary about the rituals.
I don’t think that cutting food up changes the calories.  I don’t pick things …

It’s been a little while since I talked about Celebrity Rehab, but I have been meaning to write about Gary Busey’s “Buseyisms” (by the way, I highly recommend that you watch this — it’s less than two minutes long).  Buseyisms are really just made-up acronyms.  Backward acronyms, I guess, but you start with the acronym and come up with the meaning to match the letters.
I’m sure you’ve heard these before… like FINE – Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.  Now, look at a few of Gary’s…
Doubt – Debating On Understanding Bewildering …

anorexic handwriting: small, meticulous, and linear — font-like.
I’ve been told more than once that I have “anorexic handwriting.” Aside from the fact that this label is very non-PC, I never really put eating disorders and handwriting together. When I was inpatient, I remember this girl had really, REALLY tiny handwriting. We’re talking microscopic, get out your magnifying glass-tiny. I’ve had both a nutritionist and therapist refer to my handwriting as “anorexic.” How exactly are you supposed to respond to that, by the way? Um, …

I’ve been told more than a couple of times that negative body image is one of the last things to go in eating disorder recovery. Doesn’t that seem unfair? You want to think that you’ll feel better and be more accepting of yourself with the start of treatment, and that will motivate you to eat better and take care of yourself and move on past the disorder. And maybe at some point in treatment the nutrition kicks in and decreases the depression and anxiety that starvation heightens… …

This is nothing new, but everyone seems to be on some kind of diet.  Or, if they’re not “dieting,” then they are eating purely organic food, or only raw foods, or cutting out all white flour and sugar.  All of this leads me to ask myself — if this kind of eating is “healthy” or “okay” for the rest of the world, why isn’t it okay for me?
I think that the line between healthy and disordered is so fuzzy (grey territory, I’d say).  Eating organic is healthy.  Raw foods are …

Perfectionism is a pretty common trait among individuals with eating disorders. That’s no secret. However, I think that people would be surprised to find what large procrastinators perfectionists often are. People think perfectionism = turning in assignments a week before the due date, keeping your house OCD-clean, and being perfectly dressed and put together every day. But actually, my place is messier and my work less productive during periods when I am being especially perfectionistic. Why is this?
“In a positive form, perfectionism can provide the …

Recently a woman joined my eating disorders group who doesn’t have issues with bingeing, purging, restricting, or compulsively overeating. She talked a lot about needing to diet… and about her weight being everyone else’s fault. She gained weight because she moved to the South and everyone is lazier than in the North. She gained weight because her boyfriend buys junk food. But, her biggest problem? Food allergies. She is allergic to everything. Including:

Fish (she can’t even be in rooms where fish was cooked …

“I wish that all these guys were going to stay clean, I really do. I’ve just seen it so many times that I can tell when someone’s really willing to do whatever it takes and when someone’s willing to do what they think it should take. And it’s just not going to work like that, unfortunately.”
–Shelly, Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew 2

I was watching Celebrity Rehab 2 online tonight (since I’m a little behind), and these words from Shelley really caught my attention. There are so many …