Unworthiness traps
I’m not usually a quote person, but I ran across this one today:
Your problem is you’re… too busy holding onto your unworthiness. – Ram Dass
As someone who’s struggled with an eating disorder for longer than I would like to admit, I’ve definitely had periods of falling into the “I suck at recovery” trap. It connects directly to the “I am wasting everyone’s time and don’t deserve help” trap as well as the “I’m actually fine and asking for too much because I’m attention-seeking like that” trap. And let’s not forget the “It’s not fair that my family / friends / husband / dog have to deal with my having an eating disorder” trap. I have a complex and well-developed network of traps, apparently. Kind of like dig dug.
What happens is that I get SO CONCERNED that I’m asking for too much help or am burdening everyone so much that I don’t actually make any progress in treatment. Because, what if I’m crying wolf and don’t actually have an eating disorder? Then making progress in therapy is irrelevant because it’s not like there’s anything to treat in the first place.
My problem during these periods is exactly as the quote describes: my preoccupation with my unworthiness for help keeps me stuck. I need to stop obsessing over whether or not I’m too needy and just get it through my head that I still need therapy. THEN we can actually do something therapeutic. Nothing productive comes from holding on that “I don’t deserve help” idea. Doing worse or not telling my therapist anything for fear of “burdening her” probably just causes more frustration for everyone.
I know I’m not the only one who struggles with this, because I see it all the time with friends. I’m sure it’s something worth exploring in therapy — why do you feel unworthy? However, I also think it’s the result of a lot of arbitrary expectations and “shoulds” — that there’s a maximum length of time you should be in treatment, or fixed amount of help that you should need. Using that logic, when you exceed those two years of therapy (I’m completely making that number up), it means you’ve worn out your welcome in the treatment world.
The other idea that I get from this quote is the security of holding onto the “I’m not good enough” idea. My therapist would tell me that I hold onto the unworthiness thing because it’s easier to make myself the “bad” one than to admit that people around me couldn’t/didn’t meet my needs… and maybe that by continuing to hold onto the idea, I’m protecting myself from being let-down again. I don’t know about all of that, but I do know that being in the “I not worthy / deserving / needing of” trap does definitely keep you stuck.
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Great post! I can totally relate to what you have written, especially the part about being concerned that I am asking for too much. I constantly worry that I am making a mountain out of a molehill, or being a hypochondriac when I ask for support. So, rather then ask, my MO has been to rely on the eating disorder to ask for me. For example, instead of saying “I restricted over the weekend” I hope that my weight will drop and then my therapist will say “so, did you restrict?” But if my weight doesn’t drop, then I think “oh well I couldn’t have had that bad of a weekend, I must be making it up that I struggled.” The truth is though that using the eating disorder to communicate just gets me stuck. It prevents me from making any real progress, and just gets me frustrated because often the numbers don’t line up with behaviors and thoughts. I am now trying to be assertive and just say what I think/feel because waiting for her to read my mind doesn’t get me anywhere!
My therapist and I have discussed why I have such issues with being needy or worrying that others think I am asking for too much, but to be honest, the discussions have gotten us nowhere. I already know that I worry about being too needy in large part because I was raised to be “miss independent” and I view needing help as a sign of weakness. I don’t think those thoughts are going to change anytime soon, so rather then work on restructuring those thoughts, we are working on pushing through the feelings. Each week I try to be more assertive about my needs, with the idea that if I keep asking for help, eventually I will be more comfortable with it. It is slow going, but I do think it is practical and more helpful then just talking about it.
I also think that the “unworthiness trap” directly ties into another dangerous trap – the perfectionism trap. When I start saying that I suck at recovery, my therapist usually tries to point out places where I have made improvement – I didn’t skip my whole snack, just part of it or I didn’t binge/purge even though I restricted. While those things help me feel like I am sucking less, it feeds right into the “oh well I guess I am making too big a deal out of things” mentality. I get trapped in the all or nothing thinking – either I am doing great or am completely sucking. But the truth is there is a spectrum, and you don’t go from needing help one day to not needing it the next. In my opinion, it is easier to say “i need help” when EVERYTHING is going wrong, but the real struggle is being able to say “i am making progress but still need help.”
relating to much of your post, as usual.
Remember what Colleen said, “stop should-ing on yourself!”
That said, I should myself all the time, and I find that my eating disorder is something I “should” be over and “have had enough treatment” to have done so….it would seem…..BUT depression is a different beast and it SO KICKS MY ASS and seems less of a “choice”…..so I am more likely to reach out for help faster for depression, as I am now, because it’s scary and I want it to STOP and it’s somehow less my fault. ???
I have many more thoughts on worth, etc., but I feel like depression is interfering with my ability to articulate. blah.
glad you posted!
Laur,
I find that I want to call other people out on their “shoulds” as well. Even at work, a coworker will say he “should” have done something, and I have to keep myself from saying “don’t use should!” Although I’m sure there are appropriate uses for the word, it definitely stands out to me now.
I agree with the depression part — I’m must more likely to reach out for help with that than with the eating disorder…. I think because often it’s more disturbing? Depression always feels bad. The eating disorder sometimes feels bad. Plus… with the ED, there’s that twisted, disordered part of you that is happy when you’re not doing well. It doesn’t work that way with depression. No twisted part of me is happy about it (except for possibly my very disordered thoughts on eating less while being depressed, but again, that’s back to the ED). I don’t think I’ve ever told my therapist that I don’t feel “depressed enough” to need help.
Thanks for your thoughts!
I also am always calling people out on their shoulds – although then it gets to be this twisted you “shouldn’t use shoulds” lol.
Although I completely agree with you that the depression feels worse then the ed, I find that I still have trouble reaching out for help with it. I think it is because I feel like I shouldn’t be depressed (again with the should statements!). I have a great family, great friends, and go to a good school. I guess I feel like I also shouldn’t have an eating disorder, but a part of me feels even worse for being so depressed in spite of everything that is going well for me. I feel like I should be able to just “get over it.” I also find myself thinking that maybe I am just lazy/boring/socially awkward instead of depressed. In other words, I get trapped in the unworthiness trap, which then makes me even more depressed!
I do think that it is really hard to work on either the eating disorder or the depression without addressing both. Especially because as the depression gets worse, the thoughts of “I don’t need/deserve help” also get worse. And then the eating gets worse which makes the depression worse etc. etc.
PS-
YOU BOTH know that our times of most desperate mental anguish does NOT always match up to lowest weight, worst labs, etc.
and, for the record, you are ALWAYS worthy of help!
it’s really good to hear some people talking about this stuff…In addition to feeling unworthy and awkward asking people inside my life for help and support, I feel ashamed admitting to outsiders that I am involved in any of this. I am fifty years old now, and I have been depressed since I was a small child–even writing that here I feel like “No, don’t say that: they will think you like being depressed/having an ED.” My mother always told me, “you just like feeling sorry for yourself.” I guess that is what I am struggling to overcome as I fight the feeling that I am unworthy of sympathy, support, and help. So here I am coping with teenaged children and menopause, and still a depressed person with an eating disorder, and so often terribly impatient with myself because ‘I shouldn’t be caught in all of this anymore!’
I used to think about this as well. When I was “depressed” I would often unload my problems to my friends. When they didn’t have solutions, and seemed uncomfortable to be talking about my problems with me, I assumed that it was because my problems were insignificant and not worth sharing with somebody else. We’re constantly told not to take our blessings for granted, that there are people who are far worse off than us; on the other hand, what happens when we really do need help? How can we tell when to suck it up and when to ask for help? There’s varying degrees of emotional and mental strength that each of us have; I’d never wish to be a burden on anyone, and I feel that sharing any “bad” emotions would affect the person I would be sharing it with. On the other hand, if my “bad” emotions are showing negative effects on my relationship with myself, material substances, my friends, family, then I think that they deserve to know what’s going on. I’m closer with some people and not so close with others, and so maybe they might feel flattered or they might genuinely care about me when I share my negative emotions with them.
Sharing someone else’s burden is always going to be a burden, no matter what. It just depends on how you take it and how you decide to help.
This is my first time commenting on your blog. I procrastinated commenting for such a long time because, well, your posts honestly make me think. I could churn out thousands of “oh that looks good” and “congratulations” all the time, but I truly have to sit down, reread your post, and draft my comment before posting. Thank you for making me think. I appreciate it.
Wei-Wei
Wei-Wei
I think you covered all the thoughts I had on that one. I always feel like my T shouldn’t have to deal with me unless we are sitting face to face. I don’t want to bother her.
I think this is a lost of what is going through my head right now. Do I ask for help? How do I ask for help, when I don’t know what I need help with? Usually I have landed myself in the hospital, that has been my way of asking for help. I don’t want to do that any more, though.