Note (05/02/2010): I’ve updated the mind-map to a) remove the typo and b) make it bigger for printing purposes. Click on the image to load the larger diagram.
It has occurred to me lately how often I say “I don’t know” in my appointments (possibly even more often than I say “I know” !). My therapist has come to totally disregard the phrase, which for me, has become very versatile:
Type 1: the how-did-you-feel-in-that-situation “I don’t know”
Usually used when discussing some childhood event that I kind of remember. I could probably figure out how I felt about it, if I spent some time thinking about it, but I really don’t want to… so off the top of my head I don’t know.
Type 2: the I-do-know-but-I-don’t-want-to-tell-you “I don’t know”
There are lots of reasons why I might know and not want to say anything….
- I don’t want to analyze it, and I know that my therapist is going to
- I’m embarrassed
- I don’t have the energy to get into it at that moment
- I just don’t feel like telling her
Type 3: the can-this-conversation-end-already “I don’t know”
This “I don’t know” is often accompanied with a lot of “uh huh”s, “yeah”s, and “mmhmm”s. Saying anything besides “I don’t know” is going to continue the conversation, which I definitely do NOT want to encourage.
Type 4: the I-don’t-believe-you “I don’t know”
Usually a response to a statement rather than a question… when I’m being told that taking care of myself is important and it’s okay to ask for help and I’m not too needy, and all of those other things I have a hard time believing.
Type 5: the I-want-you-to-tell-me “I don’t know”
Okay, sometimes I test my therapist, and sometimes I just want to be told things. I know what I think, I’m bored with my answer, and I want a professional’s perspective.
…you know, the more I think about this, the more types I can come up with. Maybe I should just make a mind-map:
42 comments
Splinteredones says:
Apr 24, 2010
Ahem, ummmm excuse me……how dis you get into my therapy sessions? And don’t goundare
say i don’t know. Hah so true and so damn funny.
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
Glad to know I’m not the only one with a case of the “I don’t knows”
Mendel Klein says:
Apr 24, 2010
Interesting post. The many definitions of I don’t know. I particularly like the “I don’t believe you” I don’t know. It kind of reminds me of this clip from Donnie Brasco:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zf0ZyoUn7Vk
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
That clip was great! Thanks for posting it.
Mendel Klein says:
Apr 24, 2010
Oh, btw, Which software do you use for your nifty mindmaps?
Sue says:
Apr 24, 2010
Almost as tough as answering HONESTLY – “How often do you floss?” My husband seems to have developed his own case of “I don’t knows”. I have short and long term memory loss due to Multiple Sclerosis brain lesions. I often forget what I’m trying to get at during an argument. I’ll ask him what I was mad about and he’ll say “I don’t know”. Really – no joking!
I think it’s a carry over from childhood – “Who ate all the cookies?” Child – “I dunno.”
I was once trying to help someone via email who had been to 8 therapists. Her problem was she did not want to talk to or see the doctor’s face while he talked, yet she wanted help. I advised her to turn the tables and get to know and trust the doctor by asking him questions instead. It took several weeks but eventually they were talking about her. She wrote me recently saying the appointments are not long enough to say all she wants to say.
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
Sue,
Love the cookie thing.
What a great idea to have your client start with turning the tables and asking her doctor the question. Getting to know a professional well enough to open up and trust them with your deep dark secrets is hard!
Finding Melissa says:
Apr 25, 2010
I love this post! I’m a type 4 and type 5 ‘i don’t know-er’ most of the time; and, I don’t stop with saying it to other people – I seem to also fall back on it myself, particularly when it comes to feelings that I don’t want to acknowledge or changing my behaviours. In most of these instances, I’m sure I know the answer; and, if I don’t, I need to use ‘i don’t know’ as a pointer for engaging some other help or asking a different question – but because it’s an easy refrain to fall into, I had kind of forgotten that! Thanks for reminding me!
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
Melissa,
Sure! I should have numbered them all so that I could classified myself as a Type #. However, I’m pretty guilty of all of them…
Does being aware of your using them help you challenge them?
Tiptoe says:
Apr 25, 2010
Great post. It makes me chuckle out loud, because I was so known for this in therapy. I said “I don’t know” very often that I’m sure it drove my therapist crazy. I think the “I don’t know” statement is similar to the “I’m fine.”
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
Tiptoe,
I was once in a group where the phrase “I’m fine” was banned — it was that overused! Someone should come up with an acronym for “dunno” (since that’s shorter than “don’t know”), like the one for “fine.”
Carrie says:
Apr 25, 2010
I’m laughing hysterically right now, because I use these “I don’t knows” in exactly the same way. I love it! Thanks for sharing.
Also, I’m with Mendel: what program did you use to make the nifty graphics?
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
Mendel & Carrie –
I have a couple of mind map programs (I’m a mind mapping addict!), but in this case I used XMind. It’s a free download, and I completely recommend it.
love2eatinpa says:
Apr 25, 2010
i totally know what you are saying. i have been there myself, not too long ago. i’ve been a compulsive overeater / binger for 30+ years until i realized that there was a name for my obsession with food and that i in fact had an eating disorder, a ilttle over two years ago.
i too at first had a hard time answering the therapists questions. i didn’t feel like thinking and i didn’t know the answers. but the more i went, the more i participated in my therapy and it felt good to learn about why i turned to food as a child. it was not easy, but it was definitely worth the time and energy.
i am now 2+ years binge-free, have maintained my weight loss for about 18 months, and a month ago just started eating intutively instead of weighing & measuring my food, counting calories and weighing myself. it was been empowering. and it was all because i faced my past, learned from it, then put it behind me and moved on.
blogging about it has heped as well. there is such an awesome community of ED support out there.
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
Thanks for sharing your story! So, would you say you struggled with the I-really-don’t-know “I don’t know” or the I-don’t-really-wan’t-to-explore-it “I don’t know?” Or the I-don’t-want-to-talk-about-it “I don’t know?”
I’m always interested in hearing how blogging helps in someone’s recovery.
Alan says:
Apr 25, 2010
I’m laughing hysterically right now, because I use these “I don’t knows” in exactly the same way. I love it! Thanks for sharing.
Also, I’m with Mendel: what program did you use to make the nifty graphics?
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
Alan,
I use Xmind – http://www.xmind.net/. It’s a free download and I definitely recommend it.
Julie says:
Apr 25, 2010
Almost as tough as answering HONESTLY – “How often do you floss?” My husband seems to have developed his own case of “I don’t knows”. I have short and long term memory loss due to Multiple Sclerosis brain lesions. I often forget what I’m trying to get at during an argument. I’ll ask him what I was mad about and he’ll say “I don’t know”. Really – no joking!
I think it’s a carry over from childhood – “Who ate all the cookies?” Child – “I dunno.”
I was once trying to help someone via email who had been to 8 therapists. Her problem was she did not want to talk to or see the doctor’s face while he talked, yet she wanted help. I advised her to turn the tables and get to know and trust the doctor by asking him questions instead. It took several weeks but eventually they were talking about her. She wrote me recently saying the appointments are not long enough to say all she wants to say.
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
Love the cookie thing.
What a great idea to have your client start with turning the tables and asking her doctor the question. Getting to know a professional well enough to open up and trust them with your deep dark secrets is hard!
Harriet says:
Apr 25, 2010
So perfect! I love this.
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
Thanks! Glad to have you reading
PTC says:
Apr 25, 2010
SOOO DEAD ON with. I’m big on #2! I’ve been banned from saying “I don’t know.” She now looks at me and says, “Think about it.” Well, when I don’t want to answer the question there’s nothing to think about. Sometimes, too, I just DON’T know.
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
PTC,
Your therapist sounds like mine! I say “I don’t know” and somehow she hears “please keep digging.” Or… I think she ignores my “I don’t knows” like you would ignore someone who over-used “um” or “like” while talking.
So, I’m curious… what do you say when you really don’t know?
PTC says:
Apr 26, 2010
When I REALLY don’t know I say, “I don’t know” Then I say “I actually really don’t know, not the ‘I don’t want to talk about it or tell you don’t know.’”
I actually thought about this post this morning b/c I said “I don’t know” so many times and then one time I really didn’t know and said that I really didn’t know, like legitimately did not know.
Joseph says:
Apr 25, 2010
Oh, btw, Which software do you use for your nifty mindmaps?
greythinking says:
Apr 25, 2010
Hi Joseph–
I use XMind. Haha, at this point I’d make some comment about how I should be getting commission from them, but alas – it’s a free download.
Simon says:
Apr 26, 2010
Thanks for sharing your story! So, would you say you struggled with the I-really-don’t-know “I don’t know” or the I-don’t-really-wan’t-to-explore-it “I don’t know?” Or the I-don’t-want-to-talk-about-it “I don’t know?”
I’m always interested in hearing how blogging helps in someone’s recovery.
Sarah says:
Apr 26, 2010
Thanks for giving me a good laugh!
I have definately used “I don’t know.” in all of those contexts.
Am horribly tempted to print out your mind-map so I can just point to whichever one I mean when I use the phrase in therapy.
Hehe.
Thanks!
greythinking says:
May 2, 2010
Sarah,
Glad you could relate! You’ll have to report back if you use the chart in therapy — I’d love to hear what kind of reaction you get, haha
h says:
Apr 26, 2010
I love it! I do that in my own therapy. My own clients do it to me a lot as well…and much to their chagrin I probe them for “What do you mean when you say ‘I don’t know?’.” Which after a few back and forths (or huffing and puffing and eye rolling with my teens) we start to get there.
Oh, and thanks for the mind map link!
Valentina says:
Apr 26, 2010
Thanks for letting me folow you. I am sure that your page is spectacular and specialy I love the sentence ar the begining.
William says:
Apr 27, 2010
When I REALLY don’t know I say, “I don’t know” Then I say “I actually really don’t know, not the ‘I don’t want to talk about it or tell you don’t know.’”
I actually thought about this post this morning b/c I said “I don’t know” so many times and then one time I really didn’t know and said that I really didn’t know, like legitimately did not know.
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Apr 30, 2010
[...] New Grey Thinking post: The “I don’t knows” [SEO: Anyone who's been in therapy any length of time will probably recognize their self in this [...]
imaginenamaste says:
May 2, 2010
Haha, my therapist has banned “I don’t know!” And I detest her question of “where should we start today”–such a loaded question, what else do you expect!
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May 10, 2010
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Kd says:
May 29, 2010
I feel like I should print this out and take it to the next session with my therapist. I think I have used (possibly over-used) each and every type of “I- don’t- know” on the chart… with my last therapist probably in every session. the “I wasn’t even paying attention, I have no idea what you just ask me” i- don’t- know is my favorite.
Carissa says:
Jun 12, 2010
I love that you did a mind map–and I would do the same thing your therapist does with one of my clients who said, “I don’t know”. In fact, we are actually taught when a client says “I don’t know” to “keep digging” like you said. I don’t think it is in specific a text book, but never the less the message gets across.
I guess by not letting it go with “I don’t know” allows us to actually think about something that maybe we haven’t thought, didn’t think or avoided thinking about before.
Danielle says:
Oct 24, 2010
I love this post! It’s bookmarked, and flagged and emailed to some friends. So well written!
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Steve says:
Feb 23, 2011
When confronted with a “I don’t know”, ask “what if you did know”?
Doo-Lally Tap says:
Apr 26, 2011
I’ve just stumbled across this post. I can’t stop laughing. Love it. I thought I was the only one! The phrase “I don’t know” has been banned from sessions!
just this says:
May 23, 2011
LOVE this image. I copy/saved it, because it’s helpful to me. Thanks.