Comments on: A really inefficient means of communication

By: grey

grey — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 01:23:04 +0000

BL – Hmm… personally I think that the eating disorder does both things for me. It’s a way for me to say “I’m not okay” without actually saying it. However, I wouldn’t feel that my not-okay feelings were valid unless I were struggling with the ED. Does that make sense? That might be much different for you, though. What do you think?

Emily – I have that same fear – that I will take the risk and communicate what I really feel, just to realize that it is true – it doesn’t matter how I feel and no one really does care. And yes, it is a very viscous cycle…

Kathy – Oh, I see that all the time with people (myself included)! Kicking yourself when you’re down. Back in high school, I had a therapist tell me that living well was the best “revenge.” I still think about that…

Laur – That’s a really good point about non-ED people refusing to use their words… and that being rude and passive-aggressive are other manifestations of refusing to say what’s really bothering you or what you really need. BTW, I admire you patience for working with preschoolers with autism spectrum disorder. I thought that they were so lovable and that interacting with them was so rewarding… but it definitely requires a lot of patience and dedication!

By: Laur

Laur — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 01:48:01 +0000

I have been fighting the urge to scream at non-ED adults, USE YOUR WORDS! BE A BIG GIRL AND USE YOUR FREAKING WORDS!

And I have said, “Use your words.” in a much more caring way when”
working with children on the autism spectrum
teaching preschool

and I KNOW how hard it can be to open up about some things, especially for ED people.

But sometimes non-ED people don’t use their words, and not because they are shy or afraid, but because they are being rude, passive-aggressive, waiting for people to read their minds, and it drives me nuts.

So, sorry, off on a tangent from your ED recovery focus, but I THINK this phrase every day of my life!

By: Kathy

Kathy — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:48:22 +0000

Wow… this hits home. I’ve often told people (w/o an eating disorder) that I don’t eat as a way to say “F you” to someone I am angry with. I always get the same reaction… “You are angry at someone else, so you hurt yourself? That’s messed up.” I know it is messed up, but it does give me a “safe” way to express my anger. I’m too afraid to actually confront people and risk having to deal with conflict.

I am still really struggling and just can’t seem to fully let go of my eating disorder. I have been in recovery for over two years, but keep turning back to my eating disorder as a way to cope (just not to the extremes I have in the past.)

I really want to be able to fully let go of the eating disorder, but something keeps me from being able to do it. After reading this post, it made me wonder, if I started dealing with and expressing my emotions would that, in time, make it easier to let go of the eating disorder. Hmmmm…

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Wed, 02 Dec 2009 14:16:03 +0000

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By: Emily

Emily — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 13:57:36 +0000

I think you hit the nail on the head with this post. I think fear really is at the heart of the matter. To some extent the fear for me is that if I actually communicate all of my emotions will anyone actually care? Assuming that no one will care or will be there for me is much less distasteful (or less scary) than actually putting them out there and finding out first hand that no one really does care.

Messed up, isn’t it?

Its interesting because it is essentially impossible for those around us without EDs to know what our behaviors mean. Therefore, they don’t give us the support that our behaviors are asking for, that then leads us to feel like our emotions don’t matter, or aren’t worthy of being taken into consideration by others, which only further reinforces us to shroud our emotions through behaviors.

Vicious circle, isn’t it?

By: BL

BL — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 13:50:27 +0000

Great post! It’s not necessarily that “saying them” through the eating disorder makes them valid, it’s that using the eating disorder makes it more likely that someone else will speak up and say “what is wrong?” Otherwise, it’s up to me to say “something is wrong” And that goes back to the fear….my reluctance to say something is definitely related to fear of asking for too much, or fear of being too needy.

But your post has definitely made me see how childish it is to use the eating disorder as a method of communication. You are right – it is kind of like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.