During one of my summers in college, I worked with autistic children (toddlers, specifically). When they needed to express something (like frustration, anger, etc), they used a whole host of behaviors to communicate: stamping feet, banging heads, crying (just to name a few). We’d tell them to “use your words.” Not only did we want to work on improving their speech and communication, but we also didn’t necessarily know what they wanted. It was a guessing game! I don’t know what stamping your feet means, and my mind-reading is not very good these days…
There are lots of situations where I’m tempted to say “use your words!” (don’t worry, I usually resist the urge). Often this is with the ED, becuase often people use their eating disorders to communicate. I’m a huge offender.
For me, restricting could mean…
- I’m not okay
- I need more help
- I am overwhelmed and can’t handle life
- I need a reason to be cared about
- I feel undeserving
- I want someone to think I matter
- I’m having a bad day
- I’m anxious
- I’m depressed
- I’m lonely
- I’m frustrated
- I’m hurt
There are so many things that I won’t say (and things that I won’t even let myself THINK). Somehow, though, saying them through the eating disorder makes them valid. Maybe it’s because there is physical proof that something is not right. Regardless of how I feel (because really, who cares about feelings?), I’m hurting myself and that you can’t ignore. That matters.
The problem is, this is a really ineffective means of communication! Restricting could mean a hundred things. Throw bingeing, purging, SI, exercise, laxatives, etc. into the mix and you have enough symptoms to illustrate your whole emotional vocabulary.
However, it might as well be your own secret language, because no one else really knows what you are trying to communicate. You’d probably be better off investing in some flares and arranging them to say “HELP” in your backyard. Or learning morse code. Or writing down “I’m not okay” and sending it to someone that you care via carrier pidgeon. Why? Because you could be overwhelmed and acting on symptoms at every available opportunity to deal with the stress. Eventually something will happen – someone will notice, you’ll end up in the ER, you won’t be able to take it and will quit, etc. Something WILL happen. However, it’s likely not a happy ending. Do you know how much more effective it is to just SAY something? Say “I’m feeling overwhelmed.” If it’s at your job, then you can figure something out to make your work load more manageable. If it’s with life in general, you can figure out how to get more support, prioritize things, delegate more, weed out less important responsibilities, etc. You just need to SAY something.
Granted, it’s really hard to do this (for myself as well). I think some of the reluctance to talk is related to fear – fear of others knowing you’re not okay, fear of ruining relationships, fear of asking for too much, fear or others caring… lots of fears.
6 comments
BL says:
Dec 2, 2009
Great post! It’s not necessarily that “saying them” through the eating disorder makes them valid, it’s that using the eating disorder makes it more likely that someone else will speak up and say “what is wrong?” Otherwise, it’s up to me to say “something is wrong” And that goes back to the fear….my reluctance to say something is definitely related to fear of asking for too much, or fear of being too needy.
But your post has definitely made me see how childish it is to use the eating disorder as a method of communication. You are right – it is kind of like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.
Emily says:
Dec 2, 2009
I think you hit the nail on the head with this post. I think fear really is at the heart of the matter. To some extent the fear for me is that if I actually communicate all of my emotions will anyone actually care? Assuming that no one will care or will be there for me is much less distasteful (or less scary) than actually putting them out there and finding out first hand that no one really does care.
Messed up, isn’t it?
Its interesting because it is essentially impossible for those around us without EDs to know what our behaviors mean. Therefore, they don’t give us the support that our behaviors are asking for, that then leads us to feel like our emotions don’t matter, or aren’t worthy of being taken into consideration by others, which only further reinforces us to shroud our emotions through behaviors.
Vicious circle, isn’t it?
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Kathy says:
Dec 2, 2009
Wow… this hits home. I’ve often told people (w/o an eating disorder) that I don’t eat as a way to say “F you” to someone I am angry with. I always get the same reaction… “You are angry at someone else, so you hurt yourself? That’s messed up.” I know it is messed up, but it does give me a “safe” way to express my anger. I’m too afraid to actually confront people and risk having to deal with conflict.
I am still really struggling and just can’t seem to fully let go of my eating disorder. I have been in recovery for over two years, but keep turning back to my eating disorder as a way to cope (just not to the extremes I have in the past.)
I really want to be able to fully let go of the eating disorder, but something keeps me from being able to do it. After reading this post, it made me wonder, if I started dealing with and expressing my emotions would that, in time, make it easier to let go of the eating disorder. Hmmmm…
Laur says:
Dec 4, 2009
I have been fighting the urge to scream at non-ED adults, USE YOUR WORDS! BE A BIG GIRL AND USE YOUR FREAKING WORDS!
And I have said, “Use your words.” in a much more caring way when”
working with children on the autism spectrum
teaching preschool
and I KNOW how hard it can be to open up about some things, especially for ED people.
But sometimes non-ED people don’t use their words, and not because they are shy or afraid, but because they are being rude, passive-aggressive, waiting for people to read their minds, and it drives me nuts.
So, sorry, off on a tangent from your ED recovery focus, but I THINK this phrase every day of my life!
grey says:
Dec 5, 2009
BL – Hmm… personally I think that the eating disorder does both things for me. It’s a way for me to say “I’m not okay” without actually saying it. However, I wouldn’t feel that my not-okay feelings were valid unless I were struggling with the ED. Does that make sense? That might be much different for you, though. What do you think?
Emily – I have that same fear – that I will take the risk and communicate what I really feel, just to realize that it is true – it doesn’t matter how I feel and no one really does care. And yes, it is a very viscous cycle…
Kathy – Oh, I see that all the time with people (myself included)! Kicking yourself when you’re down. Back in high school, I had a therapist tell me that living well was the best “revenge.” I still think about that…
Laur – That’s a really good point about non-ED people refusing to use their words… and that being rude and passive-aggressive are other manifestations of refusing to say what’s really bothering you or what you really need. BTW, I admire you patience for working with preschoolers with autism spectrum disorder. I thought that they were so lovable and that interacting with them was so rewarding… but it definitely requires a lot of patience and dedication!