Nothing more than ordinary
It feels a little cliche quoting Grey’s Anatomy on Grey Thinking, but there are so many good quotes…. and I’ve been re-watching the series from the beginning (hey, why not?), and it’s funny how some things stand out to you when watching for the second time.
You’re happy? You’re happy now? The Meredith I knew was a force of nature. Passionate, focused, a fighter. What happened to you? You’ve gone soft! Stammering about a boyfriend and saying you’re waiting to be inspired. You’re waiting for inspiration? Are you kidding me?! I have a disease for which there is no cure, I think that would be inspiration enough! Listen to me, Meredith. Anyone can fall in love and be blindly happy! But not everyone can pick up a scalpel and save a life. I raised you to be an extraordinary human being, so imagine my disappointment when I wake up after five years and discover that you are no more than… ordinary! What happened to you?!
– Ellis Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
Sometimes I look back on my high school years (when I was deep in the ED) and think that I was a better person then. Somehow I seem to think that back then I tried harder, was more earnest, focused, passionate, smarter… and that now I’ve somehow “gone soft.” I’ve failed at being anything “extraordinary.” I couldn’t hack it, I gave in, and I’m really nothing but ordinary.
In reality, I know that I was miserable in high school, completely immersed in the eating disorder and in a fog of depression and hopelessness. There was nothing better about me then. And, the anorexia did not make me extraordinary. It did not make me special. It made me sick, sure… but heck, the flu makes you sick. Water in Mexico makes you sick. Being sick doesn’t make you extraordinary. It just makes you… sick.
I don’t think it’s uncommon to dislike the idea of being ordinary. Ordinary to me means… unmemorable, unimportant, unremarkable, unexceptional, and lots of other un- words. You don’t want to your life to be of no significance. You want to be memorable and you want to feel like your life matters!
I’ve often said that I still hold on to the eating disorder “just in case.” In case I am a disappointment, in case I can’t measure up, in case I’m not worthwhile. This is so ironic though, because the eating disorder really robs you of so many things in your life. The more involved I am in the ED, the less present I am in the rest of my life. I’m less focused on work, less invested in relationships, and less interested in hobbies or holidays or anything.
I think that eating disorders distance you from everything that makes you extraordinary. They blunt all the things about you that do make you special. And it’s sad (and a little ironic, actually), because some of the most amazing people that I know are friends who I made in treatment
What a great post!! I can relate to every word you say. I feel like in high school and undergrad, I did so many activities and other things that made me unique. At the same time, I was really entrenched in my eating disorder, and the combination of the two led me to basically burn out this year. Now I am taking time off from school to focus on recovery, and I feel not ordinary, but like a failure. I have friends and other supports telling me to focus on recovery so that I can get back to my “normal life”, but I think part of the problem is that I don’t feel ok with having a “normal” life. I want to be doing extraordinary things. Having just gotten out of inpatient, I am overwhelmed right now with what to do with the rest of my year off because I feel like I have to make it extraordinary. Rather then simply focus on getting better, I feel like I have to find an amazing job or opportunity.
I used to tell my high school therapist that I wanted to “be skinny to be special.” I think you hit it right on though when you said that being eating disordered doesn’t make you special, it just makes you sick. And while that may make you not ordinary, it does rob you of the chance to do anything else extraordinary.
The truth is though, that everyone is extraordinary in their own way (I know that sounds so cliche, but it is true). I think we don’t give ourselves enough credit for the little things that make us unique (and thus unordinary) – you having this wonderful blog is a perfect example of something that I think is unordinary about you. I bet if you asked around, you would find that most people think that you are an extraordinary person, even if you don’t feel like it
I love this post. REally thought provoking. Thank you.
I can really relate to those feelings of not wanting to be ordinary. To be special, and to stand out in some way, and of course the ED would like to trick you into believing that being extraordinarily thin will do just that. Being the best at being thin was always something that I knew that I could do well, and I held a certain pride in that, which is embarrassing to admit. Anyway, I enjoyed this post.
Take care:)