Positive self-help or self-hurt?
I’ve written several posts on the negative aspects of therapy as well as my disdain and frustration with positive self-talk, so I was pretty excited to see this headline: Study Shows The Negative Side To Positive Self-Statements In Self-Help Books
“…individuals with low self-esteem actually felt worse about themselves after repeating positive self-statements.”
“…paradoxically, low self-esteem participants’ moods fared better when they were allowed to have negative thoughts than when they were asked to focus exclusively on affirmative thoughts.”
Now, I don’t think I’ve ever claimed positive self-talk caused anyone to feel worse… but personally, I’ve never found it helpful as a coping mechanism. The results of the study do make some sense to me, though. Saying completely untrue statements like “I accept myself completely” make me feel further from that as a goal. I start to think, “Will I ever really accept myself completely? What’s wrong with me that I can’t right now? Does it matter if I do? Will I really feel better if I do?”
Also, the article makes a good point with being “allowed to have negative thoughts.” I think that often only positive affirmations are used in treatment in recovery. Things like “Everyone can get better,” “I know that you will beat this, you are such a strong person,” “You have too much potential to struggle with this forever,” “You’re making amazing progress,” etc. are all meant as motivational compliments. Maybe for some people they are… but again, I am backwards and actually feel a little invalidated when I hear how awesome I am doing in recovery. I don’t mind my therapist telling me I’ve made a lot of progress, but I do mind being told that I am doing great when I am feeling crappy. Additionally, sometimes I do worry that I will never get over this or that I will be considered “recovered” once I am 100% ideal body weight, regardless of whether or not I feel mentally/emotionally okay. I’d rather be told that she (therapist) knows that I am struggling and that she is there to support me, and that those fears are understandable becuase people do die from this illness or suffer from it their entire lives, but that I’m in treatment and working for something better than that.
I would love to see if there is a difference between others giving you affirmations vs. you creating them yourselves. I have a letter from an old therapist that says “you are more than enough” as well as a card from a different professional that says, “there are people who care deeply about you.” Both of these are comments that I could tell myself (I am lovable, my family and friends love me, etc.) but they are only significant because I care about and really look up to the people who gave them to me. I guess that’s what makes it so different from positive SELF-talk.
Oh my, I am soooo with you on this, all of it!! I hate positive self talk, it makes me feel like I cannot be real, or that maybe I’m just whinging about things I shouldn’t and argh! Messy. Also when people are always praising me, then I end up feeling also like I”m making a big deal about things that I should not and maybe I’m fine now and really should just shut up. It gets very confusing and ulgh. I’m okay to say a negative with a positive like, “I feel this way but I know this is true” WHEN that is true, but something simply suck regardless. Argh, I don’t think I”m making sense but… I agree with you!!!
I agree completely!! I honestly feel like being negative, and giving yourself space to be negative, is an important part of recovery. All of this focus on the positive stuff just makes me feel 10x worse when I do feel negative. In reality though, everyone has bad days, and it is important to recognize that bad days are a normal part of life, and it is ok to allow yourself to feel crappy sometimes. If you are always trying to talk yourself up and never allowing yourself to feel negative, then those negative emotions will just keep building up.
I also get really irritated when my therapist/nutritionist/whatever says “you are doing so great, don’t beat yourself up for slipping” or something like that. Because honestly, usually I am beating myself up for doing “well” and eating more, not the other way around. I then feel dumb saying “actually I am not beating myself up for skipping lunch, I am beating myself up for eating extra at dinner.” I would like it much better if I was just allowed to feel what I am feeling, and go from there, rather then being told all the time to be positive.
I have to agree again….my therapist and I were talking about me doing “positive self-talk” while she was gone for a few weeks. I thought she was nuts. I have to agree with everyone, I tried to explain to her that, while positive self-talk does sound positive, I almost feel like I am mocking myself and really having to acknowledge set-backs. Rather than being like ‘its okay, it happens,” I am having to focus on it and convince myself that it is okay. Not sure if this makes sense! It does mean something to me when my therapist, nutritionist, friends, and so forth make a comment about positive differences they see in me…but, it does bother me when they use these to make me feel better about a slip. It is almost as if I have to force the positives, and hide the feelings again.
I was thinking as well… being all outwardly positive… it ends up making me feel very isolated and alone! I think because I feel like then I have this crazy internal struggles going on and no one knows and everyone things I’m all upbeat and positive when I’m just TRYING to follow orders/expectations. So I end up keeping more to myself and isolating myself even more so I don’t have to be all happy happy joy joy and I can just BE. I think its also weirder on other people because when all of a sudden I just break down they don’t understand where it came from cause I was being so “positive” etc… *sigh* sorry, more thoughts
That’s why I just talk trash about myself.
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