Testing your therapist
Last night I watched all of the “In Treatment” Sophie episodes. I am just engrossed in this show. I feel so connected to the patients and to Paul. I think that they discuss such intimate details that I feel like I am part of some deep relationship. I can relate to a lot of what the patients say, so Paul’s responses are meaningful to me. It’s also funny that I don’t feel comfortable ending therapy at the end of each season. In episode nine of Sophie I was thinking, “No! You can’t go! There are so many things we still need to talk about. I’m not ready to end therapy! I’m still processing things.”
Anyway, one of the things that struck me about Sophie were all of times that she tested Paul. “Testing” is a good word to describe the scenarios. I probably would have looked at it differently had he not used that word. But yes, “testing” is perfect.
I was trying to think if I’ve ever tested my treatment professionals. I’ve definitely never overdosed, threatened to kill myself, or asked my therapist to change my clothing (I felt so awkward even watching that moment)… but the more that I think about it, the more aware I am of how many times I have tested professionals.
For example:
Nutritionist - With my most recent nutritionist, I’ve turned in a couple of really bad days worth of foods logs to see if she would say something (that wasn’t really the reason they were bad, but it’s the reason I turned them in instead of just not writing those days down). If she didn’t say anything, then it meant that my following my meal plan didn’t matter. She passed. Another time when I felt like she was tired of dealing with me, I stopped making appointments. I figured that when she decided that I needed an appointment, she would say something. No such luck — failed that test.
Therapist - Sometimes my therapist assigns me homework. I’ll do it, but don’t bring it up or turn it in during our next session unless she says something. If she doesn’t, that means she doesn’t remember and it doesn’t really matter. She usually fails this test. It’s probably the only test that she fails, though. For months I didn’t tell her much just because I didn’t trust her… I thought she would think I was ridiculous. So, piece by piece I’d tell her little bits of information and watch how she responded. She was concerned and validating and understanding — definitely passed. Another big issue of mine is calling/emailing/anything outside of a session. I just feel like it is not her responsibility to deal with me outside of that hour a week. I am so afraid that I will be too needy or too much and that I will ruin the relationship. She says that it’s impossible to ruin the relationship, but I don’t know. Anyway, I called her one day when I was really upset, and she was there for me and she wasn’t at all annoyed that I called. Pass.
I could go on, but that’s more than enough examples. While I do like the word “testing,” I think that it has a negative connotation. I think that to some degree, it’s a part of therapy — learning to trust the professional. I hate feeling vulnerable and it takes me a long time to open up and trust someone. I have to feel certain that the person isn’t going to hurt me, though. It’s like testing the waters. It’s hard to build trust. I need to reassure myself somehow that this person is going to care and isn’t going to walk away when I actually need her.
you know I had to respond to this post – I love Sophie –
When I first started watching “In Treatment” I wasn’t seeing a therapist, but I had spent about 4 years in a combination of individual and group (mostly group) therapy while I was in grad school. Like you, when Paul said that Sophie was testing him I thought back to my previous experience with therapy and wondered if I had tested my therapist.
Thinking back I really don’t feel like I tested her too much. There were however, certain things that I specifically didn’t say. I left out these things probably in an attempt to get her to probe, which she didn’t do to an extreme. It sounds weird, but I think I respect her for that. Although I really trusted her, I think there were some things that I wasn’t really ready to tackle. Plus I wasn’t being completely honest with her – she was good, but no one is a mind reader.
Your post has gotten me to think about my new therapist and wether or not I am testing him (I have a male therapist now and that’s another big ball of string that I will have to eventually, unravel). I think I am, but I think I am a little more intentional about it than I have been in the past. I am also approaching therapy in a different way this time around – with complete and naked honesty. (Completely scary, btw)
My current therapist is actually in the middle of a test and is passing (for now). Basically I am a little worried that I have gotten too obsessive with my exercise, so I mentioned it in therapy a few weeks ago. We discussed the issue and then let it drop. Right now he is passing this test because he validated my concerns and brought it up again last week. Next week we will see if he continues to pass with flying colors because the compulsion is actually getting a bit worse. I think he needs to check back in – but I’m not necessarily confident that he will.
Huh – maybe he is testing me to see if I will bring it up again – I know, I’m a head case
I feel the exact same way about touching base with my T outside of my appts. I feel like she doesn’t, and shouldn’t have to deal with me unless I am phsyically sitting in her office. She always tells me that that’s not the case.
I had a major freakout in Dec. when I found out that my mom (and maybe my dad) had been reading my blog). We’re talking FREAK OUT!!!! She offered to call me on a Saturday, but I was going to be with people all day so that was not an option. So, she said she’d call me Sunday. We talked for a half hour and I felt AWFUL for taking up her time. She kept saying that she wouldn’t have offered if she didn’t want to do it. I still feel bad about it. I even feel bad when I email her sometimes.
As for the homework thing. Mine asked me to make a list about something the other day and I didn’t do it because I knew she wouldn’t bring it up or ask me about it again. Ha! She didn’t mention it. See, I saved myself some time.
Wow, great post! I definitely feel the same way, and I think it goes back to both my fear of ruining relationships by being too needy and my need for external validation. I feel like if something is important or bothering me, others should notice and bring it up. I recognize that this is completely ridiculous, and I have been getting better about reaching out and asking for help instead of waiting for people to ask me if I am ok. I used to do the same thing in therapy…I figured if something mattered or was important, my therapist would bring it up. In particular, I have definitely done the not making an appointment thing with the justification that if I really needed help, my therapist/nutritionist/doctor would demand I show up. I am now realizing that when they don’t call to do that, it doesn’t mean they don’t care – it means that they know I have to take responsibility for my health and well-being.
That feeling definitely ties into my fear of being needy…I worry that I am making too many appointments, that I don’t really need them if my therapist doesn’t beg me to come or something. I also have the same worry about being too needy outside of therapy – I view it as my therapists job to deal with me once a week, and not outside of that time. Interestingly, as a medical student I have now had to confront that from the opposite end, and realize that I would actually be upset if a patient of mine didn’t feel comfortable calling me outside of office hours to ask me a question! I don’t view those after-visit calls as intrusive or overbearing, I view it as part of my job, not an extra to it. I am now trying to remember that when it comes to me – that these professionals feel the same way, that they wouldn’t have gone into this profession if they didn’t really want all that goes with it.
I’ve never tested my therapist – but I have corrected her a number of times. She’s only human, right?
hi there!
actually, with regards to the therapist not asking about assigned homework at the next sessions, i believe it is because they want clients to take ownership of their problem/solution.. and therefore they are trained not to ask. because to them, if you don’t bring it up, it probably means you don’t care enough about your own recovery.
i think.
this is probably not true for ALL therapists… but it’s my guess.