Caring makes you vulnerable
If you haven’t seen “In Treatment,” you definitely need to look it up. It’s on HBO, so I would have never known it existed were it not for a good friend of mine. Thank goodness she brought it to my attention, because I am so captivated by it. While it can seem a little slow at times, the dynamics in the relationship between therapist and patient are so interesting.
Anyway, this past week I watched all seven weeks of April’s sessions. I’m not going to summarize her whole story, but in the last episode she decides to discontinue treatment with Paul (therapist). She says she can’t continue to see him because he saved her life.
This struck me as a little odd. I was reading a blog post about it, and the author had a really good point:
“I think this is her way of preserving the feelings and experiences she has had with him, preserving them against the destructive urges she is still experiencing — in leaving school, in believing she cannot have love and a normal life. Leaving now allows her to continue to hold him as her savior…”
Now that makes a lot of sense to me. She’s been through a lot of pain in her life that makes it hard for her to trust anyone. She’s always taken are of herself because her parents are preoccupied taking care of her brother. She probably thinks it’s not okay to have needs or to not be self-sufficient, because she has seen how her brother’s dependency has changed her mother’s life. She has a pretty tough facade.
I think that on a deeper level, though, she really wishes that someone would really understand her and be able to reach her. She needs someone to take care of her. I don’t think that she put off chemo because she really wanted to die, but because she wanted someone else to be the adult and take care of her.
I can relate to that with the eating disorder. I didn’t want to ask for help — I felt that if I really needed help, that someone would notice that I wasn’t okay and make sure I got help. i knew that I was hurting my body and didn’t care. Well, half of me didn’t care and the other half couldn’t understand the severity of the illness. Never for a second did I think I was going to have a heart attack or end up with osteoporosis or anything. But, that is like April — she was really sick with cancer and she was still waiting for someone to take care of her. For someone to tell her that treatment mattered — that SHE mattered and that her health was important. That she was worth taking care of.
Not only did she not want to have to ask for help, but I think that she felt guilty for needing help. Not really guilty for having cancer, but that the cancer and her treatment were going to affect other people. She cared more about not burdening her mother than saving her own life. Again, I understand that — it’s easier for me to suffer than to hurt someone else. I hate that my eating disorder affects other people. I try to minimize the significance of it… not because I’m lying or trying to be manipulative, but because I don’t want to be a burden to my fiance, friends, or family.
I also know the feeling of your therapist being your “savior.” I don’t think I would have ever personally chosen that word, but when someone really does understand and connect to you on that deeper level… when they do just know that you’re okay and take care of you when you don’t ask… that’s valuable! You have spent forever believing that it would never happen. And now that there is someone in the world who can connect with you in that way, you’re afraid to lose it. The thought of being let down by that person is too much to bear. Or, even worse… what if you drove that person away? You could ruin the relationship.
I have two theories on why April decided to discontinue treatment with Paul.
- I think that sometimes when you get what you need, you can move on with your life. April needed someone to take care of her in that moment and to show her that she mattered. Paul repeatedly showed concern over her not taking care of herself and eventually even drove her to chemo. She felt that loved — and that’s what she needed.
- She wanted to think of Paul as her savior or caregiver, and not just her therapist. He told her in the previous session that he couldn’t play both roles, and I think that she would rather pretend that he could than continue a relationship where he was just her therapist. It’s less painful.
I know that I have jumped all around in this post, but basically — I could relate to a lot of the issues that April was dealing with (minus the very real threat of death… and losing my hair). The therapeutic relationship between her and Paul was familiar to me. I question her ending treatment with him, however, and am very suspicious that her decision was motivated by the fear of losing someone important.
wow I need to check this out, sounds so much like me. I don’t believe I’m allowed to ask for help, why should I? I’m managing just fine…. but I have actually thought about it and I think if I got cancer I would be just like this woman…
grey, is it on DVD? or online?
And I can understand what you’re saying…I hate that people worry about me, my parents especially. I try to pretend eveything is okay when I am around them. I try to pretend that food isn’t an issue for me. I don’t know if they’re buying it.
I also know what it’s like to not want to need. I HATE that sometimes I feel like I need my T. I hate it. I don’t ever want to need anyone, unless it’s when I can’t reach something on the top shelf at the grocery store.
Great post! I can definitely relate to everything. I recently had to tell my parents that I am struggling and need more treatment (since I am under their health insurance) and it was so hard – not because they are not supportive, but because I hate making them worry, and also I hate having needs. I guess telling them might make them worry less then having them see that I have lost weight and not know what is going on, but still, I just felt awful. At the same time though, I also was pretty upset that I had to tell them something was up, that they didn’t notice. I feel like if I really was sick, someone else would notice and say something, would force me to do treatment. But at the same time I want people to notice and tell me to start treatment, I also don’t want them to worry! Creates quite a paradox.
700stories – I was thinking about this, and you know what’s ironic? I’m so scared of being needy… but I think that everyone wants to feel needed. Does that make any sense?
jenner – I think season 1 is on DVD, but I watch online… (sadly I do not have HBO)
PTC – It’s funny what things I am okay asking for help with. If I get a flat tire, I am calling AAA. I am not even going to try to change it by myself (you may be better at this than I am — but believe me, you don’t want me trying!). I needed someone to watch my dog this weekend while I was out of town, and that was okay. You could say, “I can only ask for help if I’m paying someone,” which does change things, but I pay my therapist AND still don’t want to be needy. Who knows…
BL – It is quite the paradox! It’s possible that your parents could have noticed that you were struggling and just didn’t know how to bring it up (or weren’t comfortable doing so). Maybe they are thinking “BL will tell us if something is really wrong.” You could both be assuming that the other will say something.
Thanks, everyone!
Ditto, Grey!! I wouldn’t try to change my oil either…never mind a tire! I always ask my friend to feed me cats when i’m out of town too. Funny!
Do you have a link/url to watch it online?
Sweet. Thanks for the site. I don’t have HBO in my apt. My rents have it at home but I’m not about to watch it with them there.
I love the post – you might want to check out last season – you can buy it on itunes – there are alot of episodes but if you want to save a little money and only wanted to watch one patient from last season I would highly recommend Sophie – actually the last April episode of this season makes mention of her. Personally I see a lot of myself in both April and Sophie
Thanks for the posting – I will definitely be back to your blog
datagirl09 – it’s funny that you said this; I spent all of yesterday evening watching Sophie! After April mentioned her I was curious. I must say, I am a little frustrated that all these adolescents (okay, the two that I’ve watched…) decide that Paul has saved their life and then go off to do their own thing and find themselves and recover on their own. I understand that it has to work this way since there are only nine episodes, but a) I don’t think that happens all that often and b) I don’t want the patients to leave! Last night I felt so invested in Sophie and Paul that I was not ready for her to leave! I was thinking, “but wait, I’m not ready to end therapy! I’m still working through things with you!”
Thanks for the compliments – glad you like GT!
GT,
I agree with you about not wanting to the patients to leave – I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for actual therapists. As someone who was invested in Sophie last season I was happy to have an update on her situation through April.
As somone who is back “in treatment” myself I am also frustrated with how quickly the characters progress on the show, as compared to my own annoyingly slow process – but I realize in treatment is a show and my life – although sometimes seems like a freak show – is just that, real life.
Thanks again for the reading material – I am enjoying your posts!
guinea pig – I watch them here: In Treatment. I’m not endorsing this page, but it seems to be the least pop-up, virus-ridden site that I’ve seen with all the full episodes.