What does Ed look like?
I know a lot of patients (and professionals) who refer to their eating disorder as “Ed” (E.D.). I’ve always been a little wary of this… it feels weird to name a disorder that I’m struggling with. It makes me feel like I have schizophrenia or DID or something. However, in some ways it helps to thing of the eating disorder as a separate voice. It helps me to separate what I want from what the eating disorder wants.
My dietitian once told me “don’t bring Ed to dinner – leave him at home.” I have this vision of my sitting at a restaurant, with Ed at the end of the table with just a glass of water. Very silly, I know… but for some reason that helps me. Maybe it’s because I am separating the eating disorder from myself.
People with eating disorders are competitive — that’s (one) reason why you have to be careful who you put in groups together. I have some friends who I really like, but feel competitive with or triggered by. It’s easier for me to think of our two Ed’s fighting. We brought them along with us and now they are arguing.
Okay, now it sounds like I have an invisible friend… and usually I don’t think of the eating disorder as “Ed” — but there are certain situations where it’s helpful for me. But, my question is — what does your Ed look like? Do you have a mental image of it? I’m curious to hear how others envision it. I’ll draw mine and post it in the next entry…
Great and smart post.
Mine looks like the grim reaper. Have you seen the commercial lately….I think it’s an anti-smoking one, where the grim reaper gets in his car and goes to sell cigarettes, then she is really a beautiful woman. It’s hard for me to watch because I imagine mine exactly like that. Mysterious, deadly, but at the same time charming. Ugh, I just got goosebumps.
I imagine Ed as being a reasonably attractive, but very vindictive, male. I think of him as an abusive boyfriend. I guess I think of Ed as attractive because the eating disorder always seems like a good option and very inviting. At the same time, I think of him as having that creepster attitude.
It drives me insane when I hear people refer to their E.D. as “Ed.” I don’t know. I guess it’s because my initial thought is “It’s not a person.” I think that is why the book “Life without Ed” drove me insane. It was a good book, but that reference annoyed the hell out of me.
I guess this means I have no idea what my E.D. “looks” like.
I frequently refer to the disorder as a personified E.D., but don’t call it “Ed” as in the name. To me, it does feel like a separate part of my identity, the little devil on my shoulder, even though I know that ultimately it is just me.
Only slightly related but still funny: a few months ago I donated some money to a World Hunger fundraiser, and there was a stuffed tiger near the donation bucket that some innocent person had apparently named “Eddie”. Thus, in return for my donation I got a neon sticker that said “I fed Ed the hunger tiger.” Irony, anyone?
Great post.
I also don’t really “see” anyone when I talk about “ED.” I guess it is more of like a shadow looming over me than someone I see. I do make a point to make it separate than me and to not see it as something real. I really struggled to read Life with ED the first time b/c it gave so much power and personification to a thing that I try to keep from coming into my identify.
Although, I did have to go to the ER for something totally unrelated to ED and I had just come from a group therapy session and my nurse comes in and goes, “Hi, I’m Ed. Good to meet you!” I accidentally laughed (not sure why–nervous laugh) and he blamed it on the concussion….
I am with Cammy on this. Normally, when writing posts, e-mails, etc., “ED” is simple an abbreviation for simplicity purposes than typing “eating disorder” out. I’ve always known it is my own voice, just the rather negative part.
Yes, Tiptoe said what I meant too.
Andrea – I haven’t seen the commercial, but will look out for it. Kind of like a Jekyl and Hyde thing?
Tina – I’ve heard the comparison to the bad boyfriend before. Having been in a bad relationship before, though, thinking about carrying that around with me kinda freaks me out.
PTC – It used to drive me crazy, too, and I don’t think I’ve ever said “You are making my Ed mad” or “Today Ed is telling me…” etc. I might say, “That’s the eating disorder talking.” However, there are certain scenarios (like the ones I mentioned in the post) where it is helpful for me to visualize “Ed.” These are usually situations that would be upsetting to me (like going to a restaurant and not knowing what to order, and then getting upset with myself for having a hard time because I should be over this) that the humor of thinking my eating disorder is sitting in a chair next to me helps me through.
Cammy – That is so funny about the sticker!! Did you keep it?
imaginenamaste – That’s kind of how I visualize my Ed – as more of a shadow. Maybe I should read “Life Without ED.” I’m sure that I didn’t originally because I don’t think of my eating disorder as a separate person.
Also, with the ER… my fiance will talk about the “ED” – Emergency Department. It took a little while for me to stop thinking eating disorder every time he used that abbreviation.
I have also gone back and forth on whether “ed” is simply an abbreviation or a separate entity. I have especially been thinking about this a lot recently as my 10 year “anniversary” of having an eating disorder approaches…. I don’t really like to think of it as a separate person because that makes me feel like I have DID or something, but I do definitely think that the ed is a voice in my head that is separate from me. For me, it is really important to remember that the “ed voice” is NOT really a part of me, so I will think “that is my eating disorder talking”, but I wont really refer to it as a separate person. Also, the whole “separate voice” concept is one of the justifications behind using atypical antipsychotics in treating eating disorders (aside from the weight gain side effect), and I definitely think that raises some interesting questions.
And it also took me awhile to not think “eating disorder” every time someone mentions the emergency department
“It makes me feel like I have schizophrenia or DID or something.” — That’s such an interesting statement. Could you elaborate? I suppose I don’t think of eating disorders as being in a different category from other major mental illness, so it doesn’t seem strange to me that one would think of them as similar.
Whatever you need to do to get you through it, Grey!! That’s what I say.
On another note, I met a guy named Ed the other day and I really have a hard time typing that. I IMed my mom and was like “I saw Ed on the roof.” SOOO WEIRD. lol
This coincidentally came up in therapy for me the other day—”what was ED? and what did he/she/it look like?” I had a really hard time answering it. I think part of it is that I have a hard time giving ownership to a concept! Who knows!
BL – Good point about the ED voice and atypical anti-psychotics. I see Geodon being prescribed much more regularly these days (I don’t see a lot of Zyprexa, though!).
Joy – I just mean that when I think of different voices, I think of schizophrenia or dissociative identity disorder. I don’t feel like there are different voices in my head… I guess it’s like your conscience. You know when you can’t make a decision, and part of you wants to do A and the other part of you wants to do B? It’s like that — there’s no actual voice.
PTC – When I was in a multi-family group, I used to hope that no one’s dad, brother, or husband was named “Ed,” with so many girls saying “I hate ED!”
imaginenamaste – Did you ever come up with something? I swear I will draw and post mine soon…
I can definitely relate to your post. I know so many people who struggle everyday from an eating disorder. I think the first step is recognition. I’ve found Silver Hill Hospital’s website to be a really good source of information about treatment options including adolescent residential programs
I just can’t take ownership of it. Say my eating disorder. My thinking is if I do, it will be mine forever. As it is now, maybe it is just on loan.