In tune with each other
I’ve been reading Dr. Drew’s book, “Cracked: Life on the Edge in a Rehab Clinic.” There are a million things that I could talk about concerning this book, so don’t be surprised if it’s referenced several times in future posts. Tonight, the following quote really caught my attention:
“Most believe [addicts] connect around a common experience of pain and powerlessness without the fear of exploitation. Their pain is so raw and tender that getting them to start the process requires them to be convinced that their pain will be understood. They’re all people with extreme trust issues, and the only people they’ve ever trusted are other addicts. They understand each other. (Interestingly, doctors have discovered that survivors of torture have similar reactions to treatment. They don’t open up unless they’re around others who’ve been through similar horrors, as though the pain of being misunderstood would be too great of a risk.)”
If you’ve ever been in ED treatment (or addiction / trauma treatment, I assume), you know that there’s something very different about the relationships that you form with other ED patients. You know all about their relationship issues and what they are / aren’t eating — but don’t know their last name. They might be thirty years older (or younger) than yourself or living a totally different lifestyle. Maybe they are completely opposite of the type of people that you usually hang out with, and if you met them in any other context you probably wouldn’t hit if off. But… despite all these differences, just their having an eating disorder makes it easier to talk with them than non-ED friends that you’ve had for years.
I have good friends, but the closest friends that I have are all people that I met in treatment. I just can’t open-up to other people in the same way that I can with them. Some of it is their ability to understand me — that definitely is a large part. My non-ED friends cannot relate to my frustration over food rituals. But I think it’s more than just their ability to empathize. Because they have an eating disorder (and were in treatment), it means they are the kind of person who you CAN talk to about this stuff. They have issues, too. I don’t know how some of my “regular” friends will respond to the stuff that I tell them… however, I do know that these ED friends are not going to invalidate my struggles. They aren’t going to think that I am ridiculous, and I don’t have to feel so ashamed. Dr. Drew explains it so well — “the pain of being misunderstood would be too great a risk.”
Great point, I have noticed this too. Also, it seems to play a significant role in online communities. People I have met through ED blogs know much, much more about the details of my personal life and thoughts than even my closest “real life” friends. I know part of this is from the tendency of people to be more articulate when they write, which makes it easier to open up in a blog, e-mail etc, but the “getting it” factor is still definitely significant, especially within the groups of niche audiences that populate the blogosphere.
Cammy: I am much more articulate in written communication as well! It doesn’t hurt that I can spend an hour figuring out what I want to say and re-writing the same email. Question for you about friends that you meet in the blogosphere — do you think that it is somehow related to distance? That part of what makes communication easier is not physically interacting with them on a day-to-day basis? I say this because I have some good friends with EDs that I can say anything to over text message or IM… but when we visit each other we’re much less open. Neither of us wants to bring up something overly sensitive or confront the other about anything. Email is much more passive… and it’s easier to handle the emotions that can come from online conversations. I don’t know why talking about sensitive stuff is so much more challenging in person! Maybe I just feel more vulnerable?
Grey, I read that book a few years ago and found it to be a very interesting read, especially the stories of the patients.
I agree that there is a sense of comfort with those who are within a similar community when dealing with these types of afflictions, whether it is substance abuse, EDs, depression, etc. In the end, we all want to be “truly” understood, not just given a sympathetic note. (not that those are bad or anything)
II think both of you are right in that it is easier to express oneself through writing. The factor of distance is probably of great help too. Talking face-to-face, there is a fear of judgment even with people you know well, trust, and love. Plus, I think there is a fear of crossing boundaries and lines with people. Sometimes, it feels easier to stay at arms length.
Interesting that you bring up the physical distance, I hadn’t thought about that. I have a close friend here that also has been/is in treatment for an ED, and we get together at least once a week to walk our dogs, get coffee, etc. Although we do occasionally talk about those issues when we’re together in “real life,” the vast majority of our discussion about ED topics is via Facebook messages. It is most definitely what you described, just not wanting to make each other uncomfortable, I guess, and using more passive methods of communication instead. I guess the “useful” thing about having a friend with an ED is that you’re both trying to stay at arms length to some degree (just like Tiptoe pointed out), so it works out well and no one feels pushed or pushy, while you can still use writing to communicate about tough stuff. Great insights!
[...] Grey Thinking Eating disorder and mental illness commentary « In tune with each other [...]
I identify with some of the experiences, behaviors, feelings of bloggers and some online communities, but I don’t have *any* friends from treatment … or even acquaintances that I kept up with. I felt empathy for people in the hospital, and I participated in groups and identified with all the regular ED issues, but I have never connected with other patients.
It isn’t that I feel singularly different from any other anorexic patient, but I find that other than the ED, I hardly ever have had anything in common with others. The people in treatment never seem to be anything like my real friends or co-workers. I don’t know if I have the wrong personality type to have developed an eating disorder, but I just never feel a kinship at all … and, in fact, am more hesitant to share in treatment settings than in my real life or with my clinicians.
I think, too, I’m always inclined to want to leave behind everything to do with the eating disorder when I leave the hospital … the healthiest people for me to be around are … healthy people who don’t/didn’t have eating disorders and don’t validate my weirdness.
Hi guinea pig,
I don’t think you’re alone in feeling this way. Relationships with people in treatment are tricky. Eating disorders are competitive and spending time with someone who is in a bad place can be detrimental to your own recovery. Also, many people with eating disorders are caretakers, and so concerned with how their friends are doing that they aren’t putting their own recovery first.
I agree that when it comes to food and meals, often the best people for me to be with are those without ED issues. I just need that healthy modeling. However, in my case, my “normal” friends don’t necessarily know about my eating disorder and can say insensitive things.
if you are able to open up and connect with non-ED friends, that is awesome. Personally, I need that understanding and empathy that I can only seem to get with others who’ve been where I’ve been.
Dear Directors,
In the interest of addressing the very serious issue of eating disorders, and offering very real help to those who deal with ED, we would like to send you a large excerpt of the exciting new book Beating Ana: How to Outsmart Your Eating Disorder and Take Your Life Back by Shannon Cutts.
We’d also like to offer you an opportunity to bring Shannon herself to your site.
Jenni Schaefer, author of Life without ED, noted that, “Shannon’s depth of passion and honesty will provide much-needed hope to all of those touched by this insidious illness.”
By offering a large sample of the book to your readers, absolutely free, we hope they will decide for themselves whether or not Beating Ana is right for them.
In Beating Ana, Shannon reveals her own struggle with ED, introduces readers to six amazing women who have fought the same battle, and focuses on the need for those who suffer from eating disorders to look to mentors and sponsors to enable them to win. To further this effort, we’d like to send you:
· A 46-page pdf sample from the book—about one-fifth of the entire book
· The cover of the book as a jpeg
· The book’s foreword by Jessica Weiner, author of A Very Hungry Girl
· The preface to Beating Ana by Robin Richardson, M.A., CMT
These can be placed on your site, offered to other sites, and sent out as part of a newsletter or e-mail blast. The important thing is to share them with anyone and everyone in any way you can.
We would also like to send you a free copy of the book for review, and offer a second copy in a giveaway or promotion for readers of your site.
Most exciting of all, we’d like to offer you the opportunity to have Shannon Cutts come to your site as part of a “virtual tour”:
· To be interviewed by you or another person active on your site
· To participate in a blog or discussion group
· To participate in a podcast
So please let us know how you would like to participate in this exciting outreach tour, and what materials you would like to receive from us, and we will respond promptly to coordinate your participation.
Meanwhile, we invite you to visit Shannon’s own site at http://www.key-to-life.com/, where you’ll learn more about the MentorCONNECT program, and please read more about Beating Ana itself at http://www.hcibooks.com/p-3847-beating-ana.aspx.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Richard Cholakian
Beating Ana Outreach Team
713-777-6003
info@rgcentertainment.com
Wow Grey – I have been exploring your blog this morning and I feel like we have been a parallel existance
I actually read Cracked in February and loved it – at the time I wasn’t in treatment for an ED, but I did begin that journey in late April. I was in a group therapy situation (a general woman’s group) in grad school and am still in contact with one of the people I really connected with during that time. She is actually the only person (that knows me) who I have told about my ED. I think there is something about that intimate theraputic environment that allows us to really relate to one another.
My therapist has recently suggested an ED group that is beginning at the center where I am being treated. I know that groups are beneficial and that I would probably get alot out of it, but right now the idea of telling others about my ED is too scary – I’ve only just begun to let my therapist peek into to my craziness – not sure about spilling my guts to others.
Thanks for these posts – they are helpful