I'm so okay that I'm boring
Chase: You don’t let other people’s problems affect you. You don’t let your own problems affect you, and it’s the screw-ups that make us interesting. You’re never out of control, which is good… and boring. Never losing control means you’re never putting yourself out there, never pushing your limits.
– House MD, Lucky Thirteen
The problem with perfection (ha, that’s ironic): it’s boring. There’s nothing “special” about seeming perfect. And yet, I still strive for it. I want for everything to be “correct.”
I want to….
- always get good grades
- never appear to have any problems
- not struggle with anything
- never screw up
- never need help
- handle everything with grace, unflinchingly
- be completely independent
- never seem disappointed or hurt or angry
- always be positive
- seem to get along with everyone
- have only good relationships
etc, etc, etc. I don’t ever want anyone to think that something is wrong. I don’t want to seem vulnerable or not-okay. I just want everything to always seem okay (well, and to be okay, but I’ll settle for “seem”).
And this makes me boring. Chase hits the nail on the head with why: “Never losing control means you’re never putting yourself out there.” Relationships require for you to put yourself out there–to be vulnerable and relatable and imperfect. The friends that I am closest to are those who have seen me NOT okay. They know that I have issues with eating and depression… they know I don’t agree with my fiance 100% of the time… they know that things are weird between me and my parents. They know that I get overwhelmed with work and that there are coworkers who really get to me. They know there are a lot of things that I really suck at (like trying to learn a foreign language, most team sports, and cooking).
When I think about it, I am essentially putting so much time and energy into being boring. And maybe I could justify boring as feeling better (being in control, not being as affected by things, minimizing negative interactions and consequences), I think it just feels safer–not better. Because when you never let your guard down, you never let people in. If you never admit that you’re not okay, how can anyone ever help you feel better?
I so know what you mean, not rocking the boat in your life is safer and easier and maybe not necessarily better……
This really relates to how I feel about relationships at the moment. I’ve never really had a proper one before because I just can’t usually let people get that close, it’s so scary. But now I like someone and I can kind of imagine going out with them…. I don’t know if I can and if I should take the risk. It’s definitely the less boring thing to do I suppose! I don’t know………
I too, have the same desire to appear perfect. My biggest fear is appearing needy, so I want to always appear to have everything in control, to be perfect, to never have any needs. At the same time, I want people to realize on their own that I do have needs, and to recognize that things are not ok. Although I am still working on reconciling the two, I at least now realize that they are not compatible. Most people think like Chase, and if you don’t open up to them, they are not going to give it the extra push to make you. Moreover, I agree with Chase that it is the imperfect parts of life that make things interesting. I know the people that to me appear perfect actually make me angry – I spend all my time comparing myself to them, and end up not wanting to be friends with them because their perfectness is intimidating.
sarah-j — I can really relate to not wanting others to get too close… which unfortunately DOES make starting relationships hard. I always say that my relationship with my fiance is “the exception to the rule.” I am close to him and I do tell him what’s going on with me… because I can’t “keep it together” 100% of the time. He is bound to see me when I am not okay. And while I never feel qualified to be giving anyone relationship advice, I think that there is always some fear with starting a new relationship… you are making yourself vulnerable and you could possibly get hurt. I guess I tried to tell myself that there are a million guys out there and if this one isn’t right for me, then I would find someone else. If I put myself out there and it didn’t work out, then I would just end the relationship and find another guy. Of course it’s not at all that easy or flippant, but it helped to tell myself that it was really no big deal.
BL — I couldn’t agree with you more. It’s almost as if I want people to read my mind; they need to just KNOW when I’m not okay, because I’m not going to tell them. For some reason I think that if I don’t seem like I need help then I don’t really… because if something were really wrong, obviously it would be bad enough that it would be obvious–right? Very disordered logic, I know.
I don’t like “perfect” people, either! I usually think they are annoying. I think they make me feel insecure, too, and I don’t usually choose friends who make me feel insecure
Hi Greythinking.
Thanks so much for your reply. I’m really happy for you that you have someone who can be the exception to your rule and who you don’t have to try and keep it together 100% of the time. (That’s just exhausting and impossible, I know.)
I think I may just face my fears and see if this guy could possibly be an exception to some of my rules and phobias. I think that disordered eating and fear of relationships were very much linked for me, but recovering has been one of the most worthwhile things I’ve done. Maybe this is kind of a logical next step. Eek, time to be less boring, wish me luck.
sarah-j
“never appear to have any problems”
“appear” like you kind of mention, is the key word here.
The reason why this matters, is also a reason why you’re probably not enjoying how much more natural you can be by relaxing and accepting yourself as a human animal with flaws.
“not struggle with anything”
a great teacher once taught me that our best paintings, are the ones we struggle the most in. The ones we learn the most, are challenged the most by. They are the strongest experiences.
“never screw up”
well that’s impossible. Trying your best is good, but creating an ideal “never” is impossible to keep up, and will lead to repercussions. When you can’t achieve perfect, you’ll start reacting and trying make up for it or cope with it, in ways that won’t necessarily be helpful to you.
“never need help”
that seems like a pride issue. not needing help from others doesn’t really put you on a peer level. You start to project your attitude that they are useless. You don’t need them. That’s not strong social networking.
But i find that when we swallow our pride, it helps us the most.
“handle everything with grace, unflinchingly”
i guess that means having composure. Not revealing your emotions.
this is ok in certain atmospheres. If you are in a competitive environment, i can understand the pokerface, but you have to watch out, our behaviors tend to carry over to other aspects of our life.
“be completely independent”
if you mean financially, that’s quite fine. But if you start to extend the meaning of that word into other aspects of your life, i suppose it’s pretty self explanatory of how that limits social interaction.
“never seem disappointed or hurt or angry”
“seem to get along with everyone”
seem seem seem
considering how much you care about being a powerful independent person, a lot of your personal balance demands a facade that SEEMS like a lot of things to a lot of people. That means that what people THINK of your superficial qualities matters more to you than what connections you could have with them if you let down your gaurd.
i’m no saint either.
my perspective has come from analyzing how your words reveal an anti-social mindset.
because i myself struggle with that. Its why i found this page to begin with. so maybe i’m not “hitting the nail on the head” with my response.
however, my opinion on boring….that’s why i came.
i think that i’m boring. I actually get excited quite often, and am very interested in things. I just think i can’t translate that socially. So people can’t find me exciting. I don’t make my excitement accessible to them. I think it’s because i partition my interests off away from people. I spend all my time being interested in things that i do when i’m alone. when you do that, sharing becomes hard.
i love imagination though. i like to share imaginations.
so i don’t really think there’s anything wrong with being boring in some senses.
many times it means you’re just deeply into something that is beyond the knowledge/understanding of others. you can’t connect.
but i can’t help but wonder if it is a sign that everything i’m interested in, is something i do alone.
i have no observable fear of social interaction. i’ve been called outgoing and assertive.
i even WANT to have good social interactions. But somehow, i always feel that people don’t understand me. They never did, not through highschool or college.
i guess what i came looking for, was to see if that perhaps there are boring people in the world, like me, who may not have the social capacity of the general public.
sometimes i wonder if it is an intelligence/awareness difference.
i spend a lot of time in reflection and thought. I LOVE IT! but i have no motivation to get shitfaced drunk and act like a fool at the parties i go to. I know that acting like a fool is so subjective, but i don’t feel that it’s complete judgement. many times i WANT to enjoy it. I WANT to not be bored by it. I WANT to embrace it. But it’s as if something inside me just doesn’t let me enjoy behavior that i find immature. I question if it is a maturity thing. But i guess any answer that puts me on a higher level than the others is probably just going to get picked out as my flaw.