Not interested in your perception of "normal."
This is nothing new, but everyone seems to be on some kind of diet. Or, if they’re not “dieting,” then they are eating purely organic food, or only raw foods, or cutting out all white flour and sugar. All of this leads me to ask myself — if this kind of eating is “healthy” or “okay” for the rest of the world, why isn’t it okay for me?
I think that the line between healthy and disordered is so fuzzy (grey territory, I’d say). Eating organic is healthy. Raw foods are healthy. White flour and sugar are not the healthiest ingredients out there. This is how everyone should be eating… right? In ED treatment you’re taught that there are no “bad foods” — there’s that “everything in moderation” idea. And while residential we definitely had cookies, sugar cereal, non-organic fruits and vegetables, non-whole-wheat pasta, etc.
Where’s the line between healthy and too healthy? And if all these people can be so picky about food… obsessing over healthiness… what’s the big deal about my eating disorder? If I ordered a salad sans croutons and dressing (which I would never do — I love croutons.), it would be eating disordered. If my friend did the same, it would be healthy. Why the double-standard?
My mom cooks primarily out of the Weight Watchers cookbook (note: no one in my family has ever done weight watchers nor has really needed to lose weight), because “it’s healthier.” My fiance makes mac & cheese without any butter or milk because “it’s healthier.” Both of these behaviors seem disordered to me (although my fiance does NOT have an ED. At all. My mother’s another story).
I spent so much time arguing with myself about this… and ultimately just had to give up and let the whole issue go. I don’t know where the line is — because actually, the line moves, depending on the person, situation, and a hundred other variables. And really, healthy/unhealthy labels aside, my vision of recovery includes sugar and white flour. I’ll admit to owning the Mayo Clinic’s recipe book — but not Weight Watchers. Even if Weight Watchers isn’t at all disordered and IS the healthier way of doing things — I don’t want it. I plan on making mac & cheese correctly, eating carbs after 9pm, sometimes having more than one glass of wine, and eating the bread that they serve at restaurants… even if “normal” people without a history of an eating disorder insist it’s unhealthy!
One thing I love about eating disorder treatment is that the recovery ideal seems so livable (albeit slightly unbelievable and unattainable). No diet food, no skipping meals, no overworking or over-stressing yourself, moderate exercise (aka: not 60+ minutes a day, every day), 8 hours of sleep, lots of support, time to take care of yourself, etc. Maybe I could technically “recover” and still eat fat-free yogurt, get 5 hours of sleep a night, take on too much responsibility at work and never take a vacation — but do I really want to? (No).
I don’t want to be so preoccupied with food, exercise, and weight forever. If that’s the healthy, “normal” thing to do, then I’m aiming for a different normal — Renfrew-normal (or just ED recovery-normal, although that’s slightly more ambiguous). It sounds like a much more enjoyable existence.
I think that’s an interesting question. The line really is whether or not the person is socially known for having an eating disorder, basically. If you’ve been ‘convicted’, so to speak, people naturally assume that anything you do that isn’t unhealthy is in the step in the direction of your eating disorder. It is a double standard, like you’ve said.
The main issue is that there is a widespread weight problem. Everyone gets into this mindset of “I’m going to lose weight and be healthy”, which I feel the need to mention is generally nothing but a pipe dream that they lose hold of after a month or so most of the time. But even so, losing weight has been popularized, and that convinces people that that’s what they want, what they /need/. Most of the time, I don’t think they care whether or not it is done healthily, they simply do whatever is held in esteem at the time (i.e. healthfood and insane, restrictive diets for now).
Everything is all blurred together. In the end, people will always try to stand in judgement of what others do, particularly when something correlates with a past problem. People are stupid, they concern themselves with things that are not their business. Really, they should just be ignored. If you want to eat health food, you should absolutely be able to, regardless of their thoughts on it. Thin people generally have to work to maintain their weight; it doesn’t just magically stay there by itself. As long as you are not getting back into a mode of an eating disorder, there’s nothing wrong with being conscientious of what you eat.
luclenlachance — I agree that people are judgmental and overly concerned with what others are doing. I spend too much time watching what people around me eat…. probably mostly because I’m insecure about my own eating patterns. If I were more secure about it I wouldn’t be looking to define healthy/unhealthy depending on the eating behaviors of others.
I guess one of the points that I was trying to make is that there are plenty of people in the world who obsess over weight, food, exercise, etc. — and don’t have an eating disorder. There are a million books on low-carb diets and the evil of sugar. But… being healthy doesn’t mean obsessing over this stuff, even if “normal” people are. Eating a PopTart once in awhile isn’t unhealthy. Some “normal” people may think it is, and may structure their lives around avoiding sugar and white-flour… but not have an eating disorder. They could just be very health-conscious, right? When I’m surrounded by people like this, my eating disorder immediately jumps in and says “hey, if they are normal eaters and they aren’t eating sugar, then you should definitely not be eating sugar.”
On the healthy eating spectrum, there individuals overly obsessed with health food and then others who are…. well, less obsessed. And maybe they all are “normal eaters.” So… why choose the most restrictive end of the scale?
Hey I just found your blog. I don’t have an ED (well not according to any strict definitions) but my sister does.
I think the answer to your question is that lots of people worry over food. some probably do have undiagnosed EDs, others no, so the worry/obsession is in moderation (if that’s possible), or at least they don’t take it to extremes or it doesn’t take over their life or warp their relationship with food as it might for someone like you or my sister.
i like to think of it like alcoholism: I can have a drink now and then or even get shitfaced on occasion (although i never do) because I do not have an alcohol addiction problem. My friend who is in recovery cannot ever have a drink because that will trigger her addiction. I guess its a matter of degrees.
but I do agree with lucien: anything you do will be viewed by others in context of your ED diagnosis. I can say no alfredo my pasta because I don’t like it. If you say it, you’re restricting…
@ greythinking: I have a similar problem to the one you described: paying too close of attention to other’s eating behaviors. For instance, when I go out to dinner and everyone orders a cheeseburger, I feel a little strange ordering a salad, and vice versa.
What’s funny, is that sometimes it is a group sort of pressure, one that no one is really aware of much of the time. I’ve noticed that when someone asks me “what are you going to order?” they will say “that sounds good, maybe I’ll get one too”. The real question is, would they /still/ have ordered the healthy alternative if I hadn’t said anything?
It’s strange to think about, but there truly are situations like that all of the time. We are taught to want to be respected/thought well of by others, and this extends to things such as eating.
I think the difference between being health conscious and having an eating disorder, is that the disorder is much more focused around control and constant obsessing. With being heath conscious, though it to has to do with control, it is a matter of wanting to live longer, feel better, etc. With an eating disorder, it often can surpass the point of being obsessive and become downright dangerous to your health without the person having much concern about it.
For me at least, it becomes completely out of control because I /want/ control. It goes past being just concerned or simply monitoring of one’s own behaviors. I think about food all day, all night, and I plan everything I eat. Like Becca said, it really is like an addiction. People say, “oh you can just stop”, but it becomes such an integral part of your being you feel as though giving it up is giving up a piece of yourself (or at least this is my perception).
The main reason eating disorders seem to sprout up, is due to the fact that we are so social. Everything is reflecting ideas onto us, whether it is the idea of being independent and in control, or some skinny women being portrayed as dieters. For instance, Special K cereal (I think they make drinks too that have similar advertisements). If you have ever seen those commercials you’ll notice a few things. If I recall correctly, the women are already fairly thin most of the time, but buttons pop off or they think about candy, etc., which is going to ‘ruin’ their day. Now is that normal ‘healthy’ behavior, or is is obsessive? I would think obsessive, given that they show a few pieces of hard candy (which are low calorie in comparison with say, a snickers bar) as ‘ruining’ a food regime.
Now in context, it is supposed to be a diet, but given that the women are already thin…to me it is very much suggestive of an eating disorder. Obviously like you said about the poptarts, you can certainly have them without dying/seriously risking your health. Which is why that commercial is so strange to me. You could be on a diet eat a few pieces of candy, and /still/ lose weight, and if you weren’t on a diet it certainly isn’t going to hurt. And it might even have less calories than the protein water in moderation, AND it tastes better. Though that is besides the point, it does leave me with a lot of questions as to whether or not we are going for ‘healthy’ or restictive to the point of an eating disorder.
I absolutely love this post. In fact, I copy and pasted the last two paragraphs into a file on my computer where I keep motivational quotes and interesting facts and stuff.
I think ‘normal’ is morphing day by day into what would have been seen as abnormal, foolish, and unhealthy in the past. (The Special K ads, that Lucien mentions above are a good example of this, grr, they make me so angry!)
Personally, I think that having had an ED gives you such a strong insight into what abnormal is, and how bad it feels, that you are then lucky enough to be able to recognise and resist it- even when it is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Sometimes, i feel like having really experienced what it is to be ‘crazy’ gives me an equal and opposite understanding of sanity- and now I want to protect that. I don’t read magazines anymore because I think that such unhealthy and destructive attitudes towards the body are becoming normalized in them that to read one almost feels like hearing the voice of my eating disorder in my ear.
Although it can be difficult, sometimes it can be so satisfying and revolutionary to go against the madness of normal. Yes, I am going to eat this piece of cake, and I’m going to enjoy each bite and not even talk about how guilty I feel about it, or how long I’m going to spend in the gym later to make up for it. Oh that’s right, I’m not going to the gym! Yup, the ED recovery version of normal
oops, i meant to have at the end ‘is the one for me!’
Peace!
sarah-j: I had a friend once tell me that her goal wasn’t just to “recover” from her eating disorder, but to have a comfortable and healthy relationship with food — and that so few people (even those considered “normal”) have that. Maybe it’s the whole “you don’t know what you’re missing until you lose it” idea.
How do I subscribe to your blog??
I want to so badly…..
maybe I’m just overlooking the button…?