Missing your own life
I am a little rigid about my daily routine. I like waking up at the same time every day, doing the same workout every day, working the same hours, eating the same foods, etc. I’m not totally inflexible (I can skip the workout, sleep in if I’m tired, take a half-day from work, spontaneously go out to eat, etc.), but when given the choice will follow my routine.
My routine basically went out the window when I moved to a new city this summer. I couldn’t walk the dog at my favorite park, go into the office, or pick-up lunch at Whole Foods (there is sadly no Whole Foods near me!). I felt so lost. Realistically I knew that these were all replaceable things (the Whole Foods issue aside) and that I could establish a new routine — but I didn’t WANT to. I wanted my old schedule and had limited interest and energy for starting over. “I like not trying new things.”
Since my old routine was obviously not an option, it was either try something new or try nothing. Being the risk-avoidant person that I am, I chose nothing. For whatever reason, my fear of screwing up, looking like an idiot, and embarrassing myself was great than my fear of being depressed, bored, and lonely.
I think I fight the same obstacle with eating disorder treatment, because treatment means trying new things. Eating new foods, taking risks in relationships, changing disordered behaviors, avoiding unhealthy environments, etc. I have all these “what if?” fears that keep me from moving forward (What if I gain 10 lbs overnight? What if I wreck the relationship? What if I can’t cope without the behaviors and end up hurt?).
Eating disorders keep you stuck — somehow Ed convinces you that something awful will come with change. It is safer to focus on the eating disorder than to move on and face the unknown. And really, by obsessing over food, weight, exercise, etc., it does seem like you can avoid change. But, you’re not avoiding it — you are MISSING it. Valuable stuff is going on around you and you’ve decided to just close your eyes.
I like how you stated that with an eating disorder you are not avoiding change, you are missing it. Thats very insightful. I have to agree, because theres always that *want* to do so many (new) things, be carefree, etc. The pull between being able to ‘know’ everything (what I will eat, do, think) and being able to try new things, takes away that ‘knowing’ that makes us feel safe and less anxious, even if it’s sad, lonely, etc.
“Better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t.”
This kind of thinking kept me from speaking out for years. I don’t know many people who like change, everybody finds comfort in routine – evolutionarily it has something to do with us being social animals and easier to live with if we are predictable. Sometimes though the routines we choose are damaging and we can feel trapped between current pain or uncertainty.
I totally agree with you about this applying to ED – mine is as much force of habit as anything else. I guess that’s what gives it it’s momentum and keeps it going, especially in the moments of clarity when I know that I need to change it. I’ve found though that when you start to make changes, they pick up momentum too and hopefully someday soon we will all have new, healthy routines.
Take care,
Differently
PS Thanks for the comment on my blog.
Sarah — I think feeling “safe” does have a lot to do about it. There’s a lot of safety in staying stuck.
Differently — I agree that when you start something new, it usually picks up momentum to keeps you going. I think that initially it takes a lot of energy to try something new and overcome that friction and resistance to change.
Thanks for stopping by
I really like reading your blog–you are so insightful everything and it really hits home!
Thanks for your comments on my blog–you should really try yoga again! There are billions of different kinds of classes and people who do them. A friend of mine was in a similar position and she came to a beginning class (I went with her) and she was surprised how well she did!
This is so true.. I have such a rigid schedule that I have been working to break (VERY slowly..). It’s scary and I don’t think the general population understands how difficult it actually is.
This article is word for word how I feel. I recently moved and have become even more shut off from the world because my daily rituals can no longer be part of my day to day life. Its incredible how resistant to change we are and how fear is alot of what drives us to stick with ED. Fear of what might be if we took focus off of him and took a look at what we could be doing.. I always believed I was afraid of taking chances because of failing, which is still true but recently realized I’m afraid of succeeding as well. If I do what next? Might as well just focus on my anorexia.. Its “safer”. Our minds can convince us of anything..