A dishonest vegetarian
I had a dietitian call me this once… and I’m sure she didn’t create the label just for me. By “dishonest” she meant that I wasn’t a vegetarian for moral reasons, but for ED reasons.
If you’ve ever been residential, you know that there is a much higher incidence of vegetarianism in eating disorder patients than in the general population (similar to how there are so many more runners (even marathoners!) with EDs… but I’ll save that thought for another day). Coincidence? Probably not.
Converting to vegetarianism is often an early sign of eating issues… it is, for one, a type of restricting. Not only are you just not eating meat… but it’s a “great” excuse for avoiding all kinds of things. No pizza if there’s pepperoni on it. No chicken noodle soup. No sandwiches (most of the time). You can’t go to the company BBQ, unless they happen to have tofu wings or something. It’s an excuse for avoiding high calorie foods, for eating anything at all (since sometimes everything has some kind of meat in it), and for avoiding social eating altogether. All of this sounds pretty obviously eating disordered.
Now, I will argue that I never liked meat — as a kid I would eat all the other non-meat stuff at dinner. I never touched pepperoni pizza — eww, pepperoni. I am sure I have never in my entire life ordered a steak (but then again, how many 10-year olds order steak?). I think that high school was the first time that I realized I COULD be a vegetarian. Granted, this did coincide with the worsening of my eating disorder….
I will also argue that since becoming a vegetarian (and having been one for many years), eating meat seems increasingly disturbing to me. Turkey lunch meat could be okay… but ham? Or a chicken breast? I don’t want to eat something that has the name of a body part in it. Granted, I DO eat fish… and this is mainly because my life would be really difficult if I didn’t (at least I can order seafood at a restaurant and get some kind of decent protein). Fish bother me sometimes…. because they look like fish. I don’t want to remember that my food was swimming.
So, how much of my vegetarianism is eating disordered? I’d probably say 50%.
But… so what? Maybe vegetarianism is healthier than eating meat. There are plenty of studies out there that link meat eating with heart disease, cancer, and strokes (for additional examples, see GoVeg.com). What if vegetarianism is the picture of health? It’s becoming an increasingly popular idea. In this case… I’m just trying to be healthy. Granted I need to eat ENOUGH of everything, but the vegetarianism should be fine… right?
I had a therapist tell me that I could be a vegetarian AFTER recovering from anorexia. After challenging all my food fears and incorporating meat back into my diet, THEN I could re-evaluate and decide to be a vegetarian for purely moral beliefs. This brings up a familiar sticking point for me (which I have written about before — see my Dr. Drew should treat EDs post): “This may be normal but I can’t engage in it because I have an eating disorder” (like with skipping meals when you are sick and don’t feel well or training for a marathon). Anyone else can be a vegetarian for any reason that they want… I, on the other hand, can’t because of my ED history. It’s healthy for them… but not for me?
I understand my therapist’s point — if the vegetarianism is a part of the eating disorder, then it needs to be addresses and overcome. If it’s a truly moral thing, I can go back to it after getting over my fear of eating meat. But at the same time, if I’m eating enough and doing well in my recovery, who cares if I choose not to eat meat? My great-grandmother had Alzheimer’s, and the consumption of meat has been strongly linked to Alzheimer’s. I don’t want Alzheimer’s — in fact, I want to do everything I can to prevent it. Shouldn’t that be enough of a reason to not eat meat?
It might be a touchy subject, but what do you think? Is vegetarianism not-okay if you have (or have a history of) an eating disorder?
I’m in the same boat. I suffered from an ED for many years. I’ve been a vegan for the past 7 or so and I believe it’s what saved me.
Although it too can also be viewed as restriction, at least now I can eat and enjoy food, healthily too. In fact, life’s never been better.
I agree with you. I haven’t eaten red meat for a Very Long Time and even turkey is hard for me… If you just don’t like it you shouldn’t be forced to eat it – it’s not like it has nutrition you couldn’t get elsewhere.
And any good dietitian should know that.
xo Hana
Vegetarianism has absolutely nothing to do with eating disorders. It is a very healthy choice and not to be confused with ED. Who ever said that could use a bit of cognitive therapy.
A person can do wrong things with any thing in this world; if that is what he or she chooses. If anyone becomes anorexic and stops eating, he or she could stop eating anything. Vegetarianism is not a step closer to not eating it’s a step towards eating a lot of healthy legumes, whole wheat bread, rice etc.. I am one for 32 years and I have gained real weight, real solid objective presence on the scale, not just in my mind. It’s great to be here. It’s great to be a vegetarian.
Greetings Exuvia
I am not a full vegetarian, but I don’t eat red meat. As a kid, I never really liked it, but I would eat it. However, I decided around the start of my eating disorder not to eat it because I was freaked about the calories and fat, and like you said, it was a great excuse to not eat things. When I was IP a lot of the choices had red meat in them, and so I tried eating it and realized that I just don’t like the taste. I am guessing that this dislike probably grew from not eating red meat for months, but either way, the line for me is blurry. However, there are some things, like egg yolks, that I honestly don’t like. I have never liked whole eggs, even as a kid. Luckily now my family realizes this, but I used to feel so disordered everytime I got an egg white omelet even though that really has to do with taste and not the ED at all!
I think it was Barry Neil Kaufman who said something to the effect of: I have never known anyone with a sexual problem but I have seen many people bring their existential problems into, and live them out, in the innocent arena of their sexuality. From this statement one might consider that eating – what ever you eat – is not the issue or bottom line in ED, but that the feeding ritual has been selected to symbolize a different issue. Eating supports life; not eating forsakes…
Greetings
Exuvia
I know a lot of eating disordered people go veg to mask the ED, but I also have a theory that vegetarians and people with EDs often have similar personality types.
I decided to be a vegetarian when I was 7, 5 years before the ED came along. When I went vegan it was partially for ED reasons, but I think I have good reasons now. Even when I’m at my worst I will choose the higher calorie vegan option over the low-fat, diet, etc, non-vegan option.
I don’t think anyone should be forced to eat meat. Because, I suppose, I haven’t eaten meat in 10 years, the idea of being forced to eat it is absolutely horrible.
I was veggie for a while, but with me it genuinely was an excuse to get away from food. I couldn’t even lie to myself that it was for moral issues at all. But I do believe that if you have reluctance to eat meat because of it’s origins there is no sense in just eating it to prove a point. As long as you get the nutrients from elsewhere and don’t use it as an outlet for control or obsession. Happy New Year to you Grey
Lola x
I hate to quote your own blog back at you, but didn’t you recently post that those recovering from ED are most likely to be successful if they put recovery FIRST in their lives? First is first: not behind animal qualms, not behind Alzheimer’s fears. You ALSO said to stop trying to control your therapy…so listen to your therapist, and become a vegetarian after you have recovered.
Best wishes.
Hi Aurora,
Feel free to use my own blog against me
My attitude toward some things really can change depending on the day…
I should clarify that my current dietitian has no problem with my being a vegetarian (it was a preview nutritionist who termed the phrase “dishonest vegetarian”). As long as I am following my meal plan and getting in enough protein exchanges, she has no issue with the vegetarianism.
All of that said, I clearly am putting up a lot of resistance to the idea of eating meat, at least for the time being. Maybe that is the eating disorder? I guess what I need to do is to talk to my dietitian about her view on vegetarianism and recovery…. because I can’t be objective about it.
Thank you for challenging my thoughts!!
Hi Grey Thinking.
I am a veggie and recovered/recovering ED sufferer too. It really is so hard to know what the connection is. I think for many years, I would have been what your old nutritionist would have called a dishonest vegetarian but I have made so much progress since then and yet the idea of eating meat has become less and less appealing. Maybe its because sometimes recovery and healthiness can be different things for different people. Vegetarianism as a lifestyle does have genuine reasons to appeal but I think anyone who has had an ED should be aware of the possible link between the two things and make it an area to try to take extra care of themselves in.
I am veggie and I am recovered from ED. While, I have known so many women who I suspected using vegetarianism and veganism to stay in their disorders, I was never accused of this. It was pretty clear to anyone that knew me that I wasn’t using vegetarianism to control weight. And… trying to eat meat, generally caused me to break-down and cry in sadness for the animal I was eating. I have always loved animals and won’t even kill a spider in my apartment. I’ll catch them and put them outside if it’s not freazing cold out… then I just try to deal with them until the weather gets better. I am really, really, really soft when it comes to animals.
So, ultimately, I think it really depends on what the real motivation for vegetarianism is. Some folks are probably so lost in the ED that they don’t even know what their reasons are. In those cases, maybe trying meat would be a good idea to dig on the issue and test the waters.
I think a disordered person, if they are motivated to do it, can turn just about anything into part of their illness. So, rather than looking at vegetarianism in ED’d people and painting it as a problem as a whole, I think it’s important that we look into the reasons we are doing something.
I think I know why I’m veggie. I was abused as a child by way too many people (including parents), so I really grew to mistrust people. However, I found a lot of solace in animals. I found most could be trusted and that animals didn’t lie to me. I grew to love animals so much that I could no longer eat them.
Given that many ED’d people are survivors of abuse, I wonder how many veggies had reasons similar to mine as motivation for their conversion…
Vegetarianism was part of my eating disorder, and giving it up was part of my recovery. Even though I was a vegetarian for a short time before the ED, and continued to be a vegetarian for years after I was back up to normal weight, I really felt at the time like I hadn’t really put the ED behind me until I gave up vegetarianism. I stand by that decision. I was back to normal weight WAY before I was very far into actual recovery. Part of my recovery was relearning to eat “forbidden foods”, which included a lot of meat products.
I know that for me, giving up the vegetarianism needed to be a part of recovery, and even now I don’t think I could be a vegetarian without it triggering some major restricting. I read the book “Skinny Bitch”, which advocates veganism as a healthy means of weight control, and it felt like a “how to” manual for getting my ED back. I think some people with EDs can be vegetarians in recovery, but I think I can’t.