You think that the only truth that matters is that truth can be measured. Good intentions don’t count. What’s in your heart doesn’t count. Caring doesn’t count.

–Moriarty, House M.D. No Reason

The belief that “things don’t count” has always been a huge obstacle for me in recovery. Maybe originally I used the eating disorder to physically communicate something that I couldn’t verbalize… or maybe it was a manifestation of an unspoken problem that had to surface somehow. Or maybe I just had the biology + trauma = anorexia equation going for me. Whatever the case may be, the eating disorder has now been tied to emotional/mental health.

Eating disorders can be measured. Weight, weight loss, caloric intake, binges/purges, blood pressure, lab values, etc. Losing weight or weighing too little means that you are not okay. Gaining weight means that you are doing better. I could have an awful, depressing weekend… but gain a pound and think “well, obviously I wasn’t really upset, because then I wouldn’t have gained a pound.” That is so eating-disordered, I know, but my point is that eating disorders are measurable — and feelings are not. And while feelings should be more important, it’s hard to give them as much weight when there is physical evidence to the contrary.

The same goes when it comes to giving myself “permission” to take time out or to give myself a break. I have a career, expectations, responsibilities… what’s my excuse for not handling all of that — “I don’t feel okay”? Who cares? Does the world care? No. Because feelings don’t matter. I am physically okay, which means I am mentally okay (see previous paragraph), which means I should be able to handle everything. Everyone else can.

Of course I know that this is disordered thinking, and that sure, feelings do matter… But I can definitely relate to House on this one. The inside stuff doesn’t count because it’s not tangible. But, when you become physically ill… then there’s proof that something is wrong.