The Bread Basket Dilemma
This question (turned argument) was posed the other night… Often when you sit down at a restaurant your waiter will come and sit a basket of bread (or tortilla chips if you’re at a Mexican restaurant) on the table–correct? Now, maybe you are recovering from bulimia and that basket of bread is really triggering. Is it disordered to say to the waiter, “No thanks, we don’t need the bread”?
Therapists response: Yes that is disordered because you should be able to have the bread on the table. If you are intuitively eating, you should be able to eat a piece of bread if you want it, or leave the basket alone if you don’t. That’s “normal.”
My thoughts: No, that’s not disordered–that is taking active steps to avoid a potentially bad situation. By asking for the bread to be taken away, you are taking care of yourself. You are acknowledging that the bread will tempt you to binge and instead of giving in to that urge you are saying “no thank you.”
I don’t think that recovery is about being 100% “normal”… but rather more like 95%. If you’ve struggled with anorexia in the past, then no, maybe joining Weight Watchers will never be okay. Sure, you should be able to stop losing when it’s appropriate… but why take the risk? Think about alcoholism–if you’re in recovery, should you meet your friends at a bar for an evening? Yes, you should be able to refrain from drinking… but again, why set yourself up for disaster?
To use a non health-related example, let’s think about money. People design budgets so that they don’t overspend. Maybe you should be able to have all of your money in the same place (we’re not considering investment returns here), but most people need that kind of structure. A little planning can go a long way.
So what are your thoughts? Where do you draw the line between healthy and disordered?
This is something that I have struggled with/thought about for a long time, and I think this is where the alcoholism example fits very well. There are definitely some aspects of eating disorders that I think are like addictions, and this is definitely one area where I think this is true. Just like an alcoholic who is in recovery can’t “just have one drink” I think someone who has struggled with bulimia might never be able to have certain foods around, and someone who has struggled with anorexia might never be able to go on a diet the same way someone who is “normal” can. Maybe eventually they will be able to, but like you said, unless they feel comfortable with it, what is the point of trying to be 100% normal if it is only going to lead to a slip? I used to try to buy cereal or other foods I often binge on, and I only recently was able to accept the fact that I am not normal and at least right now, the anxiety produced by these foods is not worth it. I am hopeful that one day I will be able to keep cookies around without freaking out, but I can’t right now and accept that.
On a slightly different note, I think that the world (and particularly America’s) obsession with calories and dieting creates an interesting twist on this. I was literally just reading an article with weight loss tips that recommended refusing the bread or chips basket. In other words, this article considered refusing the bread to be a NORMAL way to maintain a healthy weight. NYC also recently started posting the calories at chain restaurants – so is it now normal for me to count calories? On my iphone I can download a free calorie counting program – but is this ok? I think once again this is an example of where something that might be healthy for most people is just not ok for someone in recovery from an eating disorder.
Not disordered AT ALL.
It’s called knowing yourself and protecting you.
Would you send a recovered alcoholic to the bar for a meet-up? mmmm, prpbably not such a hot idea.
You have gotta take care of you, because you’re all you have.
It s a really good question, I’d like to give my two cents worth on it, but right now I am so far away from even getting myself to the restaurant, that debating the bread basket issue seems like another world. I think it is probably a judgement call, and also depends on what sort of day you are having and your reasons for returning it. I mean if you are stressed anyway, maybe at a business dinner, or a family reunion, definitely send it back. However, if it’s just a way of being overcautious then perhaps its a good opportunity to test the boundaries. If ED recovery was in levels with beginner, intermediates, and advanced, this would be like the advanced course, maybe slightly further down than the vacation breakfast buffet?
BL: I’m very glad that I do not live in NY right now! I think that if every menu had the calorie content listed that I would be eating a lot of garden salads. Even if I have a general idea of how many calories are in my meal… I don’t need the numeric reminder staring me in the face.
I also think it’s interesting how society is becoming more calorie-conscious but the rates of obesity are still climbing? I think that there is a widening gap between the two extremes–those who are obsessed with dieting or calorie-counting and those who are ignorant about the whole thing. I don’t think that putting calorie-contents on menus is going to help those who don’t even know what they are looking at?
eshoe: yes! recovery is about taking care of yourself… and if that means not sitting in front of a bread basket, then that’s the healthy thing to do.
Lola: I agree that vacation breakfast buffets have to be some kind of ultimate challenge. I like the idea of your beginner, intermediate and advanced recovery stages–in terms of challenging yourself vs. taking care of yourself.
It id disordered, in my opinion. I couldn’t stop myself from eat this bread. That’s not a normal.
Seeing as how I have an allergy to gluten (wheat, bread, all things delicious) I often refuse a breadbasket. However, you have to brace yourself for comments such as “WHAT, are YOU on a diet???” “Oh you’re so GOOD.” etc, etc, and so on and so forth.
My advice is to weigh (pardon the pun) which is more triggering for you – bread staring you in the face and possibly making its way into your mouth or the comments of others.
You could also just claim your allergic if people ask. (but, alas, this also frequently leads to personal, nosey, obnoxious questions).
In conclusion, there’s no easy answer.
This is a difficult question and one I’ve often thought about as well. I think a lot depends on your place in recovery and what you can and cannot handle. You have to consider the reasons for why you may refuse a certain food item or not and what your eventual goals are. In that sense, it’s about learning what your limitations are for you in a healthy way, not just that’s you’re refusing such an item completely out of a fear base.
It’s so weird when I think about this, because I equate it to dog training. In dog training, we’re always taught to set the dog up for “success.” And in that way, it’s about knowing the dog and what its capabilities are at that time. Many times, people put their dogs in unnecessarily stressful situations in which the dog cannot handle. So there’s the question of why put the dog in that situation? However, on the same token, learning to teach the dog to work through the situation if the dog can handle it even though there is still some stress, can eventually lead to more confidence in the dog.
So I guess my vote is that there is no generic one way generalization about it, and that it should all be based on the individual and where or if they are in recovery.
just reading this now.
I definitely have to protect myself from certain situations.
No one would tell a recovering drug/alcohol addict that they should be able to go hang out at a bar or party with their drug-using friends, and yet abstain.
Similarly, I refuse to put myself in a situation with an all you can eat buffet, someone talking about dieting, etc.
Drug and alcohol recovery says that addicts should stay away from:
people
places, &
things
that remind them of their addiction, or that were part of their addiction.
I am getting all this info from Larry, fyi. ha ha. I have not myself struggled with any use of drugs or alcohol. just all my other issues!