"All we've done is make a girl cry"
From an Episode of House, MD: Episode 3-12, One Day, One Room
In case you haven’t seen it, a girl has been raped and refuses to talk about the trauma. These are the last lines of the episode.
CUDDY: She’s gonna be okay.
HOUSE: Yeah, it’s that simple.
CUDDY: She’s talking about what happened. That’s huge. You did good.
HOUSE: Everyone will tell you… that that’s what we gotta make her do. We have to help her, right? Except we can’t. We drag out her story. Tell each other that it’ll help her heal. Feel real good about ourselves. But all we’ve done is make a girl cry.
WILSON: Then why did you…?
HOUSE: Because I don’t know.
Doesn’t this sound like the promise of therapy? That if you show up and talk about stuff that sucks, you’ll be okay? That’s at least the initial illusion that I had (similar to my inpatient treatment illusion — that you go away for a couple of months and come back okay).
So I went and I talked and I cried and I did not leave feeling okay. In fact I left feeling worse than before, and it took months (maybe years) to get back to my beginning neutral (apathetic) state. And I’ll admit that I had more insight than I began with, but if anything that just made some things in life harder for me (i.e.: particular relationships).
And then, after grieving my loss of hope that I would someday get over this, I moved onto accepting that “I just can’t be helped” (is that progress? probably not). It wasn’t really a “this is hopeless, there is not point in trying for the rest of my life,” defeat-like acceptance, though… but more of a “I am never going to work through this so I need to do my best to just ignore it” acceptance.
And that worked okay, because I finished school and formed meaningful relationships and functioned as a self-sufficient adult. But… then I went back and found a therapist. Why?
Well…. I don’t know. Because things weren’t quite right and I didn’t have any better ideas.
That pretty much sums it up, doesn’t it?
I, too, am looking to go back to therapy, and it’s different now because I know more of what I need. But still.
I absolutely love this House episode (and just watched it the other night actually) because it really resonates with me. Most people, including physicians and other treatment professionals, do think that it is that simple – you go inpatient or see a therapist, uncover underlying issue and you are magically fixed. Most regular people think that too, but it really just doesn’t work like that.
I just have to say, I know House is quite obnoxious most of the time, but I would pick him to treat my eating disorder any day – not only do I think he is incredibly insightful, but I don’t think he would let me get away with anything. If only I lived in that fake world
Couldn’t agree more, there comes a point where you have all sense of autonomy bashed out of you by therapy. The constant insinuation that you are “sick” therefore biased and unable to function as a thinking person in your own right, crushes self esteem rather than builds on it.
You get tied into therapy. I think its because you come to believe that something in you is defective, and unless you believe and agree with everything that your therapist says, then you are still “Sick”.
I’ve had so many people tell me over the years that starving and binging is self-perpetuating behaviour, that it feeds itself and continues to, well if you ask me, therapy is exactly the same. it’s another crutch. it is useful in short bursts, to get you through the sticky patches, but personally i’d rather be this way for the rest of my days, than go back to therapy, despite strenghtening a few relationships.
rant over! Lola x
Lola – I can’t believe I am typing this, because most of my therapy experiences have been exactly like what you describe, but therapy can be really helpful, a tool to help you grow and heal. I have seen quite a number of therapists in my life, some of them only once because I immediately got the feeling that they were sticking some kind of label on me that did not really seem to fit or because going there actually made me feel worse than not going. However, I have had one therapist who in my opinion was great – for one, she did not state her interpretations of my behavior and thoughts as fact, but as “… could it be that…” and she meant it. I could discuss with her, I was allowed to disagree. I usually ended up agreeing with her even if I initially thought she was way, way off (for example, she proposed that I have a tendency to sabotage myself when things go great for me and when I get the sense that people have a positive opinion of me, and while I initially thought that this was completely crazy I came to agree with her after I thought about it carefully), but the important point was that I was allowed to disagree without that disagreement being automatically thought as part of my “disorder”. She also did not see me as the “sick” person – she saw me as a person who had a problem, yes, but who also had the resources deep down in her to deal with it – her role was to help me find and activate those resources (I wish I could feel that way about myself). And she saw the “whole” me – it sounds silly, but I ended up reciting poetry for her or singing a song at the beginning of each session, both things I am reasonably good and which I love doing
The thing is, she was an exception. Most therapists I have met made a point of being “right” and did not consider any explanations or thoughts I came up with myself, which is ironic since I am a social psychologist myself (though not a clinician) and have a pretty good grasp of the theories that underly different therapies. Introspection that was not in line with their explanations and observations was automatically taken as biased, which it for sure can be, but since therapists are human beings their observations are not necessarily more “objective” than my own, and explanations for psychological disorders have changed so much over time that you would think they would be more willing to consider alternative explanations. And maybe most painful of all, most therapists have made me feel reduced to my disorder, something that is very, very unproductive in my opinion.
I have absolutely decided the same thing … that I will never “get over it” and that I just need to move on. And I have. I never “resolved” my trauma issue, but maybe it’s a fallacy that there *is* resolution. Maybe the “healing” is in recognizing that hurtful things happen that will always be will you but that you can survive and live beyond the circle of lying about in lingering feelings waiting for them to abate.
I often think therapy types and treatment centers work on a “life stops” philosophy rather than life is a work in progress. “Focusing on treatment” seems more of a sticking place for the status quo. Focused therapy also perpetuates the status quo, b/c you need to continue counseling to process all the feelings and problems that talking about your problems and dwelling in and with them presents.
There is a difference between avoidance and denial vs. a personal decision that one is able, after all, to co-exist with the past and the problems … whatever they may be or may have been.
And, actually, several doctors and therapists have underscored this every time they advise against certain types of DBT work and trauma work lest it lead to physical decompensation: They know that talking about it makes it worse. For how long, it can’t be predicted. Therefore, if you’re not in a good place to work on it forever if necessary, it’s best to find a way to live with it and live your life.
Our child’s psychiatrist (he is on the autistic spectrum) once talked briefly with me about my eating disorder and trauma and simply said: “You know, some people … they feel better when they talk about things; some people don’t. There is no special way to feel better … you just do whatever feels better for you.”
He went on to say that many war veterans lived more productive, healthy, more content lives when they *didn’t* process whatever haunted them from days in battle. Every problem is like our own battle, he said, and battles can be won with many strategies, depending on the objective, the enemy and the soldiers.
And it can still be a good life. After all, self-actualization isn’t supposed to come with each day but as a realization at the end of our days. I think we forget that in a society where we want everything, including illumination, now … and we expect that life should be without negative thoughts, feelings, experiences. And if they *do* occur, they should be exterminated immediately … as if they were inherently dangerous.
sannanina, the label thing rang a million times true! I completely stopped communicating with my therapist once i realise her the Pdoc were playing a private game of Pin The Label On The Nutcase. I just stopped going in the end. There’s no point in talking about nothing for an hour a week. I can do THAT by myself!! At least I get the answers I want!!
I love Dr. House and i always watch this TV series after my day job.`:-