Dear Kettle — Love, the Pot
“The pot calling the kettle black.”
My nutritionist in college introduced me to that phrase. It was new to me at the time, and I thought that it was ridiculous (although we weren’t on very good terms, so there was definitely a negative bias there), but I’ve heard it 100 times since and it perfectly fits the situation I want to talk about:
Subject: People with eating disorders advising others with eating disorders.
I will be the first to admit that I am guilty of it — I’m not 100% recovered. I’ll also admit that there’s definitely a place and distinct value to empathy, support, wisdom, first-hand understanding, etc. This is what makes group therapy a useful tool. But…. group therapy also has a non-eating disordered therapist! Someone relatively healthy and objective, who (hopefully) does what she says!
This morning, a friend of mine blogged about all the arguments surrounding food that she had with her husband in the last 24 hours. In the time it took for me to read her post, she had commented on one of mine (personal blog) — saying that it sounds like weight plays too large a part in my relationship with my boyfriend, that she used to have that problem, and that it took her awhile but she worked through all of that with her husband and now things are so much better. … WHAT. clearly, neither of us should be giving each other advice.
People with eating disorders are helpers, caretakers, do-gooders (I know that’s not a word, but it sounded okay). Often we’ve gone through a lot, made a lot of personal progress, had years of treatment, and probably do know a lot… but I still think that if you have an eating disorder, you can’t be objective. You can be supportive, but you really need to take a step back and look at your own situation before giving advice to others.
Like I said earlier, this something that I definitely need to work on… however, my goal with Grey Thinking isn’t to give advice, but to really be more of a commentary. With journal articles, magazines, news, blogs, podcasts, you name it… there’s so much out there. And I don’t think a lot of people with psych backgrounds and eating disorder histories are giving their two cents about it all.
I do this all the time. It’s awful. but what’s a little funny is that it almost always follows with me saying/typing ‘and here I am, the pot’ which sometimes sounds a bit like a drug reference but you know.
I’m not sure I understand this correctly; for example, I have a blog on which the primary focus is recovery from my ed. I was completely recovered for 4 years and have since relapsed. I started the blog as a way to vent, to get rid of the thoughts plaguing me with this disease.
If anyone ever reads it, I just hope they are able to take something away that encourages them, that they see someone else who understands the daily strugles yet is still fighting.
Maybe I completely misunderstod; I don’t try to give advice nor do I believe I am qualified to do so; but encourage someone else – that I can do.
It may be that comments/conversation with a so-called “pot” may raise the hackles, inspire defensiveness, or may not carry the weight of feedback from non-historied others …
But, the behavior and personal psychiatric/emotional/physical state of the speaker doesn’t necessarily invalidate the statement(s)/advice. Those in the same boat can be singularly insightful about the issues of others … and can bring plenty to the table, in spite of themselves.
If the recipient of the “pot’s” thoughts can get over the instinct to require equality and solidarity in recovery and reject the instinct to want to … reject … the “pot” for her un-wellness, there might be something of distinct value to be had.
That would be where the gray area muddles up the black-and-white thinking about who is qualified to give advice. Just because what is said is inconsistent with the giver’s personal situation doesn’t mean the statements aren’t true … or that the recipient shouldn’t be open to the ideas of all who bring them. Wisdom comes in unexpected packages … if we can suspend the urge to be judgmental.
I have a personal blog that I’ve kept since… oh, 2001? that is much the same thing. I think it’s a great therapeutic tool and resource for others. Whether your up or your down… it’s comforting to know that others are going through similar things. I am completely supportive of that.
What bothers me is too many eating disordered individuals all giving each other advice. Like in my example, I’ll comment on one friend’s blog about bad body image hurting her relationship… while at the same time she’s telling me what I need to do to improve my self-image. The reality of it is, neither of us have it figured out. And we can advise relentlessly, but at the end of the day I’m still irritable because I’m feeling insecure about weight and she’s arguing with her husband about intimacy.
Can you learn things from each other? Yes, definitely. But we were all in therapy for years and are recycling the same therapeutic information. It is frustrating to be advised by someone in the same place as you. Lately I’ve had to make a conscious effort to stop sending that email or not write that comment that starts with “I used to…” or “what I found…”
It’s not just my group of friends. It’s many of the group therapy settings that I’ve been in, definitely in residential treatment, and any online forum you’d visit.
I think it’s such a gray area with eating disorders because often we KNOW what we should be doing, but we’re just… not doing it. If we’re not taking the recovery steps that we need to be taking, then there’s something wrong there. Something we don’t have figured out, and probably shouldn’t advise others on.
Does that make more sense?
Ah, yes I see your point now. Just like I don’t tell my friend to love herself anymore, b/c I sure haven’t figured out how to do it myself. Hypocrite, that’s what I was.
***holds up hands***
guilty as charged!
I do this too.. but I mean so well. It’s like I can give really good advice. I just can’t take my own. Anyways I got your email and I will respond asap. I’m getting ready to go back to school so things have been hectic. Cheers!
P.S. How do you make your blog so organized/get all of these links?